Open Jokes

Kawhi Leonard

What’s the difference between when I opened the window in a car wash and when Kawhi Leonard did it? Atleast my dad didn’t get shot in the eye.

Anonymous
in JFK

We all know that Lincoln and Kennedy are the most open-minded presidents in the world

SH

Heard Stephen Hawking is in a new movie and that the theme tune is absolutely banging- think the opening line goes something like “they see me rolling, they hating”

2
Joke4u

When you see a group of pornstars sitting together looking up with their mouths open that’s when you know that Mama bird is back at the nest to feed the baby birds some worms.

D: Johnny Johnny J: Yes papa? D: Eating sugar J: No papa! D: Telling Lies J: No Papa D: Open your mouth, Now full of cock. :)

-Dark humor

Anonymous321
in Sister

One day my sister was making hotdogs. My sister ask me if I want some I said no then my sister ask my friend, and he always said no. Then my sister said I have to eat it plain with no flavor we have no ketchup, mustard or onions. My friend said I got something to give it flavor my sister ok. My sister left the kitchen to get something. I ask my friend what are you going to do then he took the hotdog bread open it and run is penis all around, and put some white cream that came out of his penis. I put the hotdogs on the bread then my sister came back My sister came back put hotdogs on the hotdog bread. I told my sister the hotdogs are ready she ate them I ask how was the hotdogs. My sister said I don’t know what flavor is this, but it is very tasty.

incredible guy
in Stupid jokes

One night I was sitting on my bed in my room, minding my own business. It was pretty late, around 10 PM. The glow of my laptop screen was the only light in the room. I heard a noise coming from behind me. It sounded like the door was opening, but there was no one else in the house. I turned around and found Mr. Incredible standing in my doorway, a stern look on his face. He walked over to me, slowly and dramatically. Then he leaned over and pointed his finger at my face, only about two inches away now. I was frozen with my back against the wall. Then, Mr. Incredible said something I would never forget: “Stop pirating video games.” Ever since that day, I have never gone on a pirating website and have paid legally for my video games. True story.

Anonymous
in Orphan

How to get rich Step 1: tell an orphan he will get a family Step 2: knock out the orphan Step 3: cut open the open the orphan Step 4: well there organs Step 5: do it again And nobody will call the cops cus they got no family

Dark
in Christmas

What does the child with no hands got for christmas? Unknown he hasn’t opened it yet.

What does a homeless man in new york got for christmas? Hypothermia.

YOUR MOM
in Basement

My brother got his legs chopped of but someone FBI opened my basement door but it wasn’t my brother because he died of starvation in the basment

School Shooter Memes

VOTING QUARTERFINAL 2: LIKE: When the school shooter knocks on the classroom door and the autistic kid opens it DISLIKE: When the school shooter is gonna clap the football team but his AK jams: “Take it easy guys, I was just joking!”.

Vote for the better joke

Anonymous
in JFK

“In my opinion, JFK was the best president.” “Why?” “He was very open-minded”

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

Chase

What do you call a opener that doesn’t work a can,t opener

Ballsack

What did the girl with no arms get for Christmas? We dunno she ain’t opened it yet

0
Anonymous

So 3 guys are walking down the street together and decide to go rob a bank. The first one goes for the richest man in the city’s vault but can’t open it easily, and is caught and sent to death in jail for robbing the richest man. The second one goes for his uncles vault because screw that son of a bh he’s rich why does he need all the money. But his uncle was unfortunately at the vault that day and snapped his nephews neck. The third one went for his ex’s vault and thought “well that bh can suck my dk she’s so poor anyway who would care if I take all her money so she dies of hunger and dehydration and homelessness” so he managed to get into her vault easily because it wasn’t heavily locked and took all her money. The next day the third guys ex showed up to his house and said “imma fg murder you” so she shot him dead and got her money from his house. In hell the three guys see each other and explain what happened. The third guy did and then asked “you know I don’t get it. If the richest guys are heavily guarded but already have so much money in their house why does it need to be heavily guarded? I don’t understand why the poorer aren’t heavily guarded when they are so poor they need the money.” And the first guy said “bh I don’t know maybe the bank tellers think poor people should suck it and just die already”

0
Anonymous
in Ball

What is Sophia’s favourite song

Open wide cum inside it is okay school

Anonymous
in Parachute

Chesley, in horror, runs out of the cockpit of the plane coming from London, "I’m so very sorry everyone, I punch the wrong buttons and we are heading to DC instead of New York and we are about to run out of fuel. He opens the door and turns around to the five passengers and exclaimed, “I’ve parachutes but miscounted. We only got four for the passengers.” He jumps off.

Donald faced the other four and orders:

“I’m the greatest leader of the world and I’ll make the decision. Tony you go first, our country needs you. The whole wide world needs you. Pandemic is raging.” Tony jumps off.

Francis,my friend, you go next, pandemic is ravaging the mind and body of millions. Their soul needs saving. Save Vladimir’s and Xi’s for me." Francis jumps off.

Hillary faced faced Donald furiously. “Who are you to make decisions for us? I should have been president. I’m the smartest woman in the whole world in history.” Hillary jumps off.

Donald gazed at the young woman and started talking: “I’m an old man. I have already lived a full life - beautiful wives, children just a beautiful life. Just beautiful. I’ve become president of the most powerful country, the most beautiful, the richest. Regrets? I’ve made a few but did it my way. Greta, go on. Your future is bright. I just wish I can make my country great again and have the chance to help save the world with you. I believe in second chances. Look at my bankruptcies, believe me. And I wish I’ve played more golf and …”

Greta interrjected, “Just shut the f* up. The plane is about to crash. Let’s go and save the world. The smartest woman in history took my backpack!”

Anonymous

20 fridges are loaded onto a plane, only 19 come off. Okay moving on you took to long, how many steps does it take to put an elephant into a fridge (Their reply Idk how many) 3, Open the fridge put the elephant into the fridge and close the door. how do you put a giraffe into the fridge (Their reply 3…) Wrong 4, Open the fridge take out the elephant put in the giraffe and close the door, why did sully fall off the swing, A fridge fell on her