One jokes

One time I was watching TV.

Mom: Omg, your dad is coming!

Me: Omg, really?

Mom: Sike, I lied.

My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."

I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."

Your mom! Oh wait, you don't have one.

"Another one bites the dust."

Why is it you donate one kidney, you're a hero, but donate four or five and people run and call the police?

Why is it everyone wants to rub a pregnant woman's stomach but never the man's balls where the baby actually came from and the real ones that deserve the congratulations?

Do you like CDs?

There's this really cool one called "C Deez Nuts."

Why can't orphans be gay?

Because they have no one to call "daddy."

One of my friends named Jill had a drug overdose.

She didn’t have any of that drug after that. For the rest of her life, she acted very high. When she died, it was because of natural causes, not the drug. So this proves that a lethal dose is also a life time supply.

Gwen, if you're reading this, the link I sent is for you and your boyfriend to chat and stuff. No one shall bother you! Pinky pinky!

Btw, do you know how I am cause if do then I am related to Kenya and my name starts with T? Don't worry, just chat with your boyfriend.

Did you hear the one about the hills?

It was hillarious.

One of the reasons the skeleton was not allowed to play church music is because he had no organs.

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

Me: *posts random joke about a duck*

That one guy in the comment section for no reason: "Shut the f*uck up you dumb b*tch you are a piece of sh*t you..."

That other guy in the comment section: "That’s actually offensive to ducks."

Bro it’s a joke...

When Mother Teresa went to heaven, she was greeted by Saint Peter with a halo for her dedication to the needy. After walking around for a while, she saw Lady Diana with a bigger halo. She got angry at Lady Diana and went to Saint Peter and asked him why she had a bigger one, and Saint Peter said, "Oh, that’s not a halo, that’s a steering wheel."

Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."

Man: "You look like a dream." Woman: "Go back to sleep."

Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Yes, I want you to leave."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter. -OR- Stop."

Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" Woman: "I hate you."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

A blondie and a redneck jumped off a building. Which one will land first?

The redneck because the blonde will ask for directions.

What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day?

"Deja moo!"

*bowl of dark grapes*

Friend 1: I like my grapes how I like my men.

Friend 2: Black? Good one.

Friend 1: 21 at a time.

Why did Michael Jackson rush over to K-Mart one morning?

Because he heard little boys' pants were half off!