One jokes

What pizza did the Twin Towers order?

A plain one.

Yo mama so fat, One Punch Man had to punch 3 times.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at school? Put another one in and continue!

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."

A poster for the winter relief fund reads: "No one should be allowed to go hungry or suffer from the cold." A worker says to his friend, "Now were not even allowed to do that."

Why did Mary have a little lamb? Because a big one was too much in bed.

What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling? One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler.

Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “Whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down.” One kid stepped up and slid down. He wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.

The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money. He then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”

Why do ballerinas wear tutus?

The one-ones are too small and the three-threes are too big.

I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

“Correct again,” says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

Two cows standing in a paddock, one says, "Moo." The other turns to him and says, "I was just going to say that!"

I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.

I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.

Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.

You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.

What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.

What's worse than a dead baby?

A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? The one on the bottom is alive. And what's worst than that is, the baby has to eat its way out.

An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee.

A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after a while and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in."

Three guys are in the woods, a really smart guy, an average guy, and a really dumb guy. They're bored, so the smart guy decides to go hunting. A little while later he comes back with a deer. The average guy asks, "How did you do that?" The really smart guy says, "I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer." The average guy says, "I think I understand," and leaves. A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb guy goes *gasp*, "How did you do that!?" And the average looks at him funny and says, "Well, I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon, I shoot raccoon." The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, "Oooohh, ok, I think I can do that..." and leaves.

Hours pass, and the guy finally returns, hurt, bloody, and horribly mangled. They run to help him. Finally, one of the guys asks him what happened. This is what he said: "I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train, I shoot train. But train keep coming."