One jokes
What do you do when you finish a magazine at school? Put another one in and continue!
I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."
What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.
What has four legs and one arm?
A Rottweiler in a children’s playground.
I can explain Superman and Batman movies in one sentence.
Two orphans fighting in the rain.
Theory is when you know everything but nothing works.
Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.
In our lab, theory and practice are combined: Nothing works and no one knows why.
What’s the difference between white people and Black people?
One runs from the police, one runs for the police.
What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?
They both like cracking open a cold one.
When my son was little, he loved to draw. Although he would always rip up the paper whenever there was one little slip up. Too bad he became a tattoo artist.....
How many hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, cause they'll screw anything.
A poster for the winter relief fund reads: "No one should be allowed to go hungry or suffer from the cold." A worker says to his friend, "Now were not even allowed to do that."
How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling? One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler.
Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “Whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down.” One kid stepped up and slid down. He wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.
The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money. He then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”
Why do ballerinas wear tutus?
The one-ones are too small and the three-threes are too big.
What's worse than a dead baby?
A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? The one on the bottom is alive. And what's worst than that is, the baby has to eat its way out.
I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.
“Correct,” says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.
“Correct again,” says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”
Two cows standing in a paddock, one says, "Moo." The other turns to him and says, "I was just going to say that!"