22 ants were playing football in a saucer.
One ant said to another one, “We'll have to play better tomorrow. We're playing in the cup!”
A pedophile is chatting on the internet: "On a scale of one to ten, how old are you?"
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Why does Trump always ensure he has a second pair of pants with him every weekend?
In case he gets a hole in one.
There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.
One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."
The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."
The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"
What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
A painting only takes one nail to be hanged.
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, "Isn't it dark down here?" She replies, "I don't know. I can't see."
Why is there no open hunting season on hippies?
Have you ever tried to clean one?
What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day?
"Deja moo!"
I had a conversation with a Möbius strip.
It was one-sided.
What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling? One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler.
One time, a cow saved my life.
It was bovine intervention.
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?
For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
Two fish are in a tank. One says, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"
