One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.
How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?
(Note: this joke is not one of the worst jokes ever because it is obscene or offensive; it’s just a bad joke.) Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because they’re dead.
What’s the difference between Rosa Parks and Muhammad Ali?
One fought for freedom, the other fought for fun.
There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.
Me: *posts random joke about a duck*
That one guy in the comment section for no reason: "Shut the f*uck up you dumb b*tch you are a piece of sh*t you..."
That other guy in the comment section: "That’s actually offensive to ducks."
Bro it’s a joke...
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner's on me.
You should go soul searching. Maybe you'll find one.
What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”
One twin tower had a girlfriend. The other twin tower had the same girlfriend, so they both went down.
What do you call it when your dead because of that one drink in Panera bread? Panera dead
I play saxophone, and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason, I got multiple restraining orders because I said, “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson.” I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida, where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly, they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.
Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(
What is an Orphans least favorite store?
Family Dollar, they just can’t seem to find one.
Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedys! Except that one headshot, but we don’t talk about that.
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far, no one has given me a straight answer.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
My friend and I were at the mall and decided to try on some necklaces. He said, "I think you should get the one over there." I do. I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it. I asked him, "Did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?"
What is the difference between a pencil and a woman?
At least one has a point.
What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?
"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."
When Chris Brown heard he wasn’t the only one to hit a woman.
Stop the cap.
