There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.
Me: *posts random joke about a duck*
That one guy in the comment section for no reason: Shut the f*uck up you dumb b*tch you are a piece of sh*t you...
That other guy in the comment section: that’s actually offensive to ducks
Bro it’s a joke....
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other
What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner's on me.
You should go soul searching maybe you'll find one
What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”
One twin tower had a girlfriend the other twin tower had the same girlfriend so they both went down
What do you call it when your dead because of that one drink in Panera bread? Panera dead
I play saxophone and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason I got multiple restraining orders because I said “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson”, I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.
Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(
What is an Orphans least favorite store?
Family Dollar, they just can’t seem to find one.
Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedys! Except that one headshot, but we don’t talk about that.
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer.
What the difference between an Irish wedding and a Irish funeral, one less drunk.
My friend and I were at the mall, and decided to try on some necklaces. He said l think you should get the one over there, I do, I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it, I asked him did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?
what is the difference between a pencil and a woman...
at least one has a point
what's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend? I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it.
When Chris brown herd he wasn’t the only one to hit a woman
Stop the cap
As a older brother I always gave my little sister advice. I always said to your best and never quit. So one day I went to her room I see my sister giving married me blow jobs. I ask what are you doing the married men said she is giving us blow jobs because our wives don't do it. My sister said you tole me to do your best and my best is to suck them dry. As a brother I couldn't be more prouder.
As a straight son one day I ask my mom have your ever quit in something that you did before. My mom said no I never quit in anything. So ask my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said what did I say quitters are for spitters.
I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help. Later that week I ran into them on the dance floor, one of them asked me if I wanted to dance I told her no, the other asked me if I knew what was cracking, I calmly said the floor.
