One jokes

One day a mom who looked like a pig broke the car down.

Doctor: Hands husband his baby.

Doctor: I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it.

Husband: Then give me the one she made.

My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."

The other day my brother hit me. I yelled for mom. No one responded.

So there was this guy who went swimming one day and got his left side bitten off by a shark.

But don't worry, he is all right now.

So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.

So one day a boy was at his dad's work when another little boy ran in crying. Then the dad said, "Aw, little boy, are you lost? Where's your parents?" And the little boy at his dad's work said, "OMG! Dad, you can't say that!"

Why can't he say that?

Answer: He works at an orphanage.

All zodiac signs have a hair style, but cancer is just a one-way thing.

What's the difference between me and an old man? No one pulled my life support.

So, on one partly cloudy night, there was a boy and his dad gazing up at the sky.

Dad: Aren't the stars just wonderful?

Boy: I'm not sure, from my angle, all I see are clouds.

Dad: Well, come over here and take a look.

Boy: Damn, the clouds always move when I get to the right spot!

Dad: Well then, I guess I will have to make you see them everywhere you look then.

Then the Dad shook and spun the boy around till he said...

NOW I'M SEEING STARS!!!

Why can’t orphans f*ck their mom?

Because they don’t have one.

Why have kids? Just go get one now, no nine-month delay.

What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

What do you call one baby in ten trashcans?

Chopped Junior!

What’s the difference between Jesus and Maddie McCann?

One had the last supper.

"Killed two birds with one stone"? Pfft, I once killed two people with one bullet.

I was using my computer one time and I pressed Ctrl-Alt-Delete, and Stephen Hawking went into a deep sleep.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

Ok, I put one penny down. Do you smell anything?

1 scent.

I put two pennies down. Do you see any fruit?

2 pears.

I put three pennies down. Do you see any law enforcement?

3 coppers.

I put four pennies down. Do you see any cars?

4 Lincolns.

I put five pennies down. Do you see any pussies?

NOT FOR 5 CENTS YOU DONT!

What did one ghost say to another ghost?

"You're boo-tiful!"