Office jokes

Hillary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected into office.

Sorry, it was supposed to say "Female," but the "emale" got deleted.

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

Why did the orphan get sent to the principal's office?

Because he punched dumbos like you people!

So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.

After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."

So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."

What did Michael Scott say to someone when he passed a plate of vegetables?

Boom! Roasted!

Officer: Hi, how high are you?

Pothead: No officer, it's "how are you?"

Officer: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been high since last night.

Pothead: Cool, I'd like to give you some weed, happy 420, sir.

Officer: Omg, thanks man, appreciate that.

I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.

I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."

Being a police officer in Nunavut must be so fun. They get to play Cut the Rope on the job all the time!

God sent a kid to the principal's office for giving a blind kid sunglasses and said, "Don't let the sun damage your eyes!"

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, “Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?” Jon said, “I’d be half blind.” “That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?” “I’d be completely blind.” The doctor stood up, shook Jon’s hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, “What would happen if I cut off one ear?” Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, “I’d be half blind.” The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. “What if I cut off the other ear?” “I’d be completely blind,” Amanpreet answered. “Amanpreet, can you explain how you’d be *blind*?” “My hat would fall down over my eyes.”

Officer: "Stay back soldiers, minefield!"

Soldier: "Let's clear the field!"

Officer: "Ok!"

*silence*

*explosion*

What's the difference between Canada and the USA?

In the USA, Trump is sitting in the Oval Office.

In Canada, he'd be sitting in the waiting room of a MAiD clinic.

A white woman was caught on video using racial slurs and assaulting two black students. She was charged with "interpreting" a black police officer.

A man was walking down the street with a swivel chair under one arm, a computer under the other, and a desk strapped to his back.

A policeman ran over to him and handcuffed him, saying, "I'm arresting you for impersonating an office, sir!"

I worked at a calendar factory, but I got the sack for taking a few days off!

Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it.

Boss: Was that a Microsoft pun?

Me: Word.

I lent my calculator to a friend. He is using it to this day.

What did Joe Biden say when he got pulled over?

I'm just a-Biden the law, officer.

A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"

I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"