Observation jokes

My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.

You should wear binoculars when calculating. It helps divide.

What did the cow say at night? Look at the moooon.

When somebody says they're depressed (by over-romanticizing their so-called problems) but can't be by your side when you are at your lowest.

Then you know they're faking depression. 🙂

If you know it, you know it.

Your hairline is like the universe, still waiting to be discovered.

Well, it really do be like it shouldn't, but it is.

Your hairline is back, people say. "Look at this dude."

How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?

Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

Astrophysics fact: If you count every star on a Saturday night, you're autistic.

I waved to you before, but you never sea me because you're so washed up.

What did the right eye say to the left eye?

"Between you and me, something smells!"

Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.

The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.

The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"

I saw a kid sitting on the side and asked if he was an orphan, “what gave me away?” “Well, your parents, for a start.”

No one has the right to look down on others unless you're perfect, and looking down on others is not perfect either.

It's just true.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Wow, why so many of the same joke?

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

Did you guys see on the news where they arrested that pervert at the Michaels Crafts store?

He was running around completely naked and had sprinkled glitter all over his testicles. I guess it was pretty nuts.

Jake Adkins watches James Charles.