Observation jokes
When you realize your friend standing next to you is adopted and narrates everything he does.
How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using the computer?
There is sperm on the computer screen.
I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can also tell if they are standing.
They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.
It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.
Mom: They say our kid neighbor has blue blood.
Son: Really?
Also 2 hours later:
Son: Mom, the kid doesn't have blue blood.
Mom: Son, I-
When people are just too obvious
Ted stinks!
When somebody says they're depressed (by over-romanticizing their so-called problems) but can't be by your side when you are at your lowest.
Then you know they're faking depression. 🙂
If you know it, you know it.
Yo mama so fat you can see her from 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 galaxies away!
How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?
Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.
I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
Little Johnny's mom is taking a shower. Little Johnny walks in and asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Mommy says, "That is my keyhole." The next day, Little Johnny sees his dad taking a shower and Little Johnny asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Daddy says, "That is my key." The next day Little Johnny says to his dad, "Looks like the neighbor has the key to Mommy's keyhole too."
What did the cow say at night? Look at the moooon.
I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
What similarities do peeping Toms and spies share?
They both see things they shouldn't.
Is it just me, or are you the prettiest person I've seen today?
My brother has a fucking ass and I wake up to him twerking.
When I hired a Asian detective to see if my wife was cheating on me, I got this letter:
Mr. Wong - I see he, so I climb up tree. He knock on door and she let him in. She talks to him, he talks to she. He undresses she, she undresses he. She plays with he, he plays with she. I play with me, I fall out tree, I no see... No fee.
People wonder why our generation grew up so sarcastic.
"Hey, how do I look?"
"With your eyes, Joe."