Nursing jokes
Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?
I was stark nude. Hehe, I was. I truly and sincerely was.
The nurses giggled and said, "Joseph, why the hell is your wiener so loving?"
My penis purred and stroked their hands. I laughed and said, "I do not know."
Why can't I touch little old women, but nursing home nurses can?
If your baby can unhook your bra, is it time to stop breastfeeding?
Why don't nurses like giving old people baths or showers?
Because they don't want their vegetables to get soggy.
As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!
He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.
You're so fat that when you were born, the nurse mistook you for the father.
What does a mermaid do when she gets hurt?
Goes to the nurse shark.
When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.
Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.
I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.
That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!
a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? -- In an American nursing home.
What's the worst part about burning your vegetables before dinner?
Explaining what happened to the nursing home while you're hungry.
I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.
Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.
A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.
"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.
"Denise."
"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"
"Tom Junior."
Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."
Nurse: *Laughs*
Kid: "Why are you laughing?"
Nurse: "When I get OLDER."
Proceeds to laugh.
Robert Smith walks into a hospital. The nurse says, "We have the cure!"
Two hunters are in the woods and one falls to the ground.
Terrified, he dials 911 and says, “Help! I think my friend is dying. What do I do?” The nurse says, “I need you to make sure he’s dead.” The hunter replies, “Ok, I’ll be right back.” The nurse is startled after hearing a gunshot. The hunter comes back and says, “I checked. Now what do I do?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his heart has completely stopped.” She is startled when she hears the sound of a taser. The hunter comes back and says, “What’s next?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his brain has completely shut down.” The nurse is once again startled when she hears the sound of a bone being crushed by what seemed to be a hammer. The hunter comes back and asks, “Anything else?” The nurse says, “Nope. That’s it.”
Did you hear that nursing homes keep returning the new Paul Walkers?
They let the elderly move fast, but then burst into flames and burn the patients alive.