Grew up playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Spent time with my online sister playing multiplayer.
Now I play it in school with an awesome small steel blade.
I’m not allowed my phone during school hours and I have to give it in at the start of the day...
when my grandpa was 65 he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.
he's 70 now and we have no idea where he is
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats vampire to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
me: well thats a sticky situation now isnt it barbara
Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, "Not now."
Jack and jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana, jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said "you know you wanna," Jill said "yes," and lifted up her dress, then they had some fun, but silly jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
Kobe ended so many games with threes now he ends his life with trees.
What does the initials NOW stand for? (A.) National Organization For Women (B.) National Organization of Whores (C.) All the above Answer: Since the initials Now can stand for anything the correct answer is all the above
What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?
"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it: Doctor: I have good news and bad news Guy" Whats the bad news Doc: They replaced your toe with a piece of candy Guy: Good news? Doc: You now have tic tac toe
A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying. The man says "What's wrong?" The woman says "I've never been hugged before." So, the man gives her a hug and walks away.
The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again. The man says "What's wrong, now?" The woman says "I've never been kissed before." So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away.
The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says "Oh, for Christ's sake! What's wrong, this time?!" The woman says "Well, I've never been fucked before." So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells "YOU'RE FUCKED!"
Teacher: Describe a penguin
Student: Black, White, Beak
Teacher: Good, now describe an orphan
Student: Sad, maybe depressed, No family
Teacher: Amazing, now describe a cow
Student: Brown bun hair, red shirt, white skirt, pantyhose, and dollar tree shoes
Teacher: No! How does that describe a cow?
Student: It describes you tho.
Me: Now knowing why Michael Jackson turned white.
The police: You finally figured is out.
Hell in Greek Times was known as cold and misty... so now just look at Seattle.
Where in hell is Lee Harvey Oswald now when we need him?
One time this kid came back from school and said "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said "Good news please.'' and the boy said "I got 100% on my math test today" and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said "Now to the bad news, I LIED"
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
My 2 year old Asian baby cant do calculus Look who in sweatshop now
A lady walks in to a dentists office, sits on the counter and spreads her legs. The dentist says i think you have the wrong idea with that the lady replies; last week you gave my husband his false teeth now you can get them out
mom said dad had the best pullout game... now im an uncle
"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."
