Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and have some fun.
Silly Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son.
My dad still hasn’t come back with the milk. Now we are stuck eating dry cereal.
What is Beethoven doing now?
Decomposing.
Ok, there has to be SOMEONE on this website right now. Whoever that is, wanna chat? (I'm just bored)
"Oh, waiter! Waiter!"
"Yes, sir?"
"Do you have frog's legs?"
"Why, yes."
"Good. Now hop along and get me a steak!"
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
If a heterosexual man wanted his dick sucked, what would a feminist say to him that a gay man would never say to him?
"Not now, I have a headache."
A man was asked by his 21 years old daughter, "Dad, how do you give a blowjob to a man that has a big dick?"
Her father replied, "Honey, you should have watched me last night. It was inside my mouth. Does it cycle now?"
Me and my stepmom went into the forest.
I think I hid the body pretty well, but now I have to hide the gun.
I used to date a girl named Ruth, but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.
Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?
It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.
Grew up playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Spent time with my online sister playing multiplayer.
Now I play it in school with an awesome small steel blade.
I’m not allowed my phone during school hours and I have to give it in at the start of the day...
My therapist once said, "time heals all wounds." So I stabbed him. Now we wait...
A poster for the winter relief fund reads: "No one should be allowed to go hungry or suffer from the cold." A worker says to his friend, "Now were not even allowed to do that."
I parked in a disabled space today...
...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”
In honor of Diddy:
The ice cream machine at McDonald's now works!
I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.
So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.
I’ve always been a bit insecure about having thicker thighs.
Now I realize it allows me to fit more scars!
My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.
Now, my wrists look like a tiger.
Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.
I said, "a smile."
They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.
My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.
Going to school is mandatory in this country.
Can you guess my plan?
