Now jokes
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and asked if she wanna. Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and they had a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill, now they have a son.
I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.
"Where ya going?"
"When I die, hell, but right now, my room."
I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.
The teacher told me to put my MP3 away, so I brought out my MP5. Now that bitch knows what not to tell me.
I told my mum that a few guys tell me that you're a MILF.
My mom said what that is. I reply, "Mom, I'd Like To Fuck." My mum started out to laugh, then she told me, "Well, now you need a new stepdad."
One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"
Your mama is so fat, she only knows three words: KFC.
A guy bought an AMG and crashed it. Now he knows how the Mercedes bends.
Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.
You wonder and you wonder. Grandma said you better go to bed now. Tell your dad and grandpa, and your dad and your mom.
Grandma: calls You: Hello Grandma, what are you doing? Why, you can't mean I'm right in the house right now? Grandma: I didn't mean to call you, bye.
God creates a mosquito :)
God: Okay, so make it reeeeally tiny. Like less than half a fly.
Angel: okay... a bug.
God: now give it’s face a sword, but it has a hole so it’s basically a mouth.
Angel: weird... but okay...
God: and give it wings.
Angel: eh, not half bad Go-
God: NOW MAKE IT EAT THE BLOOD OF ALL LIVING ANIMALS AND HUMANS
Angel: *shook* o-okay
God: okay. Now make sure whenever a human is bit it feels the pain of a million suns burning it, making it scratch until it bleeds out.
Angel: .-.
God: and make sure it also transfers diseases through the species. Give ‘em a taste ‘o that! *evil grin*
Angel: *cries*
Angel: *whispers; I’m so sorry..*
God creates a wasp :)
God: Okay, so make it reeeeally tiny. Like less than half a fly.
Angel: okay... a bug.
God: now give it's face a sword, but it has a hole so it's basically a mouth.
Angel: weird.. but okay...
God: and give it wings.
Angel: eh, not half bad Go-
God: NOW MAKE IT EAT THE BLOOD OF ALL LIVING ANIMALS AND HUMANS
Angel: *shook* o-okay
God: okay. Now make sure whenever a human is bit it feels the pain of a million suns burning it, making it scratch until it bleeds out.
Angel: . - .
God: and make sure it also transfers diseases through the species. Give 'em a taste 'o that! *evil grin*
Angel: *cries*
Angel: *whispers; I'm so sorry..*
My friend David lost his ID.
Now he is just Dav.
So I heard Kenny's mom got moved to a nursing home.
He'll probably leave her alone now.
He doesn't eat vegetables.
I’m reading a book on antigravity right now.
It’s impossible to put down.
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
Me: *makes Chuck Norris meme*
Internet: *all the other memes are dead now*
Me: Well, shit.
What does a kid and wine have in common?
Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.