Not jokes

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

"It's not a war crime if you win the war."

- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Beautiful people should read this quote: "God gave you beauty but not brains."

I'm no astronomer, but I’m pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

I wanted to open a brothel in the monastery, but the slogan: "Fist some Christs" was, unfortunately, not so well received.

Why did the orphan cross the road? (Not to see his mom or dad.)

James Bond: Vodka martini.

Bartender: Shaken, not stirred.

James Bond: Do I look like I give a damn?

Someone in my class described the KKK as ghosts with pointy hats... I mean, he's not wrong.

What does a baby and a grenade have in common?

They both make noise after you throw them.

Why do orphans not have cheese on their burgers? They don't have a dad to get milk.

What do orphans and police not have in common?

The police can actually go home.

Your mom is so fat that when she went on the scale, it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"

Charlene's hairline was so big that Joe Biden could not make it prime minister.

Best not leave hungry kids unattended!

Why do orphans not care about sleep? Because they have no one to wake up to.

Mommy, when will daddy come back?

I'm not your mom...

I went to the “lists of women” page on Wikipedia and it was blank.

Either, Wikipedia is proving women do not exist or John Cena decided to come out as transgender.

One day an orphan threw a boomerang. It's not the only thing that didn't come back.

Why is it okay to hit orphans?

It's not like they can tell their parents.

Emos do take shots of themselves... not with a camera, though.