Not jokes

The lasagna I just cooked is for me, my friends, and family. You don't get none because your name is not on the list. You wanna know why? 'Cause you got the whole place smelling like catdog and ass.

Wanna hear a paper joke? You know what, probably not because it’s TEAR-able! :/

What did the funny bone say to the skin?

"You're not humerus, I am!"

What did the fish say to the other fish when it got hooked?

"That's what you get for not keeping your mouth shut."

One day I was at church. I had to sit down. I said, "Who in the world stinks?" I looked down. Turns out it was me, and this is not a joke, but funny.

What's the worst part about getting old?

Going to pull up the wrinkles in your socks, just to find out you're not wearing socks!

A sibling went up to their other sibling and said, "Dad said you're adopted."

The other sibling said, "You are, too."

Then the first sibling goes, "No, I'm not."

And the sibling says, "We're twins."

The other kid goes, "And you're adopted... oh."

What do you get if you do not eat? Dry.

Friend: What goes up but not down?

You: Your age.

Twin: Hey twin, how's it going?

Twin 2: Weird, twin. Bye.

Twin: Not funny, dude.

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Not Sally.

I am not that good at making ice jokes, but it will suffice.

Hey Evan, this is Dad. Ya, I’m still not home.

What step did the DNA not take in his math equation?

He forgot to adenine!

Why did the boy not cross the road?

Because he was on thin ice.

Why could you not hear the dinosaur clap? Because it's dead.

This is not a joke. This is not a joke.

I made a website for orphans. You know what I did not add? A home page.

What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?

"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."

What do you call crabs that do not share their food?

They are shellfish! (ノ≧∀≦)ノ