Not jokes

Yo mama so fat when she steps on the scale it says, "We want your weight not your phone number."

If a dog is white with black spots, then it is 90% great and 10% guilty because it half way starts crimes and is a mistake to the world and is punished by the white dogs that are full white and not mixed colors.

Fuck clankers. Wait, not like that.

I gave a homeless person a phone but did not give him a home button.

If she's not ready for an X-rated movie, she's not ready for this X-rated booty.

Lenin was on his deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side.

Lenin says: "What are you going to do after I die? They might not follow you."

Stalin responds: "Then they'll follow you."

Went home with a woman last night. I was greeted at the door by a Mongrel.

I say Mongrel, it was her Down syndrome son trying to process if I was a stranger or not.

Bob has no arms.

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

"It's not Bob."

When can an elephant use an umbrella and not get wet?

When it's not raining.

When is a door not a door?

A guy jumped out of the Twin Towers, saying, "I ordered pepperoni pizza, not a plane!"

Why did Sally not come home from school today?

Because she got hit by a bus.

Why did Sally not come home from school today?

Because she died by a flying brick!

What do renovators and lesbians have in common?

They're both not interested in exposed wood, apparently.

I'm not saying you're annoying.

But if a yeast infection were a person, it would be you.

People always call me heartless. That’s not true. I have a heart... it just wasn’t meant for you.

What type of chip can orphan's not eat? The Lay's Family Size chips!

Why did the three 23s not go to the orphanage?

Because they already 69'd.

Why don’t autistic people like Autism Speaks?

They’re jealous that autism can speak.

(This is not meant to be triggering, sorry if it is).

Why don't rappers ever gamble?

Because they're always dropping beats, not bets.