Not jokes
Why is death taken so lightly? It's terrible how people use it! (This is NOT a joke!)
What do you call a dog with no legs? Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.
I may not be the brightest candle on the cake, but you can still blow me.
Why is "dark" spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can't see in the dark.
A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.
I hope every time you watch YouTube, you get 30 second unskippable ads!
What is the difference between a human and a tree and a house? Is for dinner today after school today after I have school 🏫 I have for kids dinner 🍴 was that I had dinner 🍴 night night dinner 🍴 night is what time it when we went and get the dog 🐶 night and dinner 🍴 night I love 💕 it is the one ☝️ I did not have time today.
Dark humor is like food: Not everybody gets it.
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
This ole boy picked up this hooker and was getting some head driving down the road, and she started gagging on it a little, and he said, "Oh yeah baby, you like that big dick, don't ya?" and she said, "Oh baby, it's not that, ya asshole stinks!"
What is the difference between a suicidal person and you? You're not dead.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.
Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.
Hi, I did not get your text. I texted you when I texted you. You are not [responding].
Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."
Kid: "OK THANK YOU."
(AT BED TIME)
Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"
Ben: "I'm not."
(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"
Why did Sally not come home from school today?
Because she got hit by a bus.
Why did the teddy bear decide not to eat the turkey?
Because he was too stuffed.
What TV shows do orphans not like?
"Family Guy."
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
I ran into a dwarf, and he said, “Well, I’m not happy.”
Me: Then which one are you?
When younger girls say, "I want my period, or it will not be bad."
*eating chocolate in bed crying* My face at them when they say that. 🤣🙄😵
Them: "I got my period." *them hurting*. Me: "Told ya."