Not jokes

When an American goes on a scale, the other person will say, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"

"It's not a war crime if you invade a country with oil."

-Sun Tzu, Art of War

When you ask for plastic surgery, they said, "We could not fix you, but the only way is to wear a mask to fix your ugly face."

Why did the T-Rex not clap when you won a prize?

Because it's dead.

Your hairline is so bad, not even God could save it.

What did the passengers of the plane say when they saw the airplane strip? Nothing, because it was not an airplane strip, but a tower.

Why did the skeleton not go to prom?

Because he had no body to go with.

What is the difference between a Libertarian and a dumb polack?

Not much difference.

A dark sense of humor is like a pair of functioning legs. Not everybody has one.

Tell the person next to you to spell "me." When they do, say, "You forgot the D." They should respond with, "There is no D in ME." You say, "Not yet." If this does not go as planned, well, then you are fucked for life.

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

Be smart, not stupid.

You are like a software update. Whenever I see you, I immediately think, "Not now."

It's not a joke.

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.

She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.

I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!

What did the rapper say when he stubbed his toe?

"Ouch! That's NOT a sick beat!"

What did the rapper say to his broken pencil?

"You're just not SHARP enough for my lyrics!"

What do you call a blind German?

A Nazi (not see).

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they do not live in a swing state.

When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant.

Did you get seafood without me?