Not jokes

What did Schrödinger say to Shakespeare?

"To be and not to be."

What is heavy forward but not backward?

"Ton."

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, they're not laughing now!

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.

In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.

Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.

What's the difference between a surgeon and God?

God knows he's not a surgeon.

For sale: Dead canary.

Not going cheep.