Nice jokes
This gay guy was so happy with his new boyfriend that he took him to his favorite gay bar.
An hour or so goes by, then the new flame says, "I just LOVE this place, everyone is so nice, food is great, but what's up with the monkey way down there?"
His friend says "OK, watch this." He goes up behind the chimp and smacked him in back of its head. The monkey jumped off the stool, pulls down his zipper, and gives him head. When finished, the chimp took a napkin, cleaned himself, pulled up his zipper, then jumped back to his chair.
He walked back to his new gay friend and said, "What do you think of that?"
"MAN, I seen some amazing things, but never like that!" His squeeze said, "Wanna give it a try?"
"I sure do, JUST DON'T hit me as hard as you hit that monkey."
I wanted to do something nice for my uncle, so I cleaned out the nice vase that was given at grandma's funeral. It had so much sand, I'm glad to help.
I see a poor guy. Mini me be like- mama, can I give my spare money to him? 🤗 And my mum says yes, so I give my money and home feeling SO NICE, while MY MOM knows he's going to spend it on DRUGS. We go back tomorrow and then after we go to the same place and then I see him with drugs.
Me- what I think fck what I do 😭.
Hi guys, the prankster is back!
I was gone for a long time because of this bullying about a nice sweet girl named Gwen! So my 6th prank is on...
When I put some bad stuff in my sister's toothpaste bottle!
Okay, so I took some smelly mints from the jelly bean game! I had molded cheese jelly bean, molded milk, and worms jelly bean! Jelly bean tasting is this game where weird tasted jelly beans are in there, so I got some mints and put it there! Then next thing you knew was, my sassy ass sister had her breath smelling like a chimpanzee's buttock!
So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"
The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".
A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. After 10 shots of vodka, the guy had, the bartender figured if he talked to him, he would tell him everything as he’s not sober.
Bartender: Hey, that’s some nice jewellery you have there. It must be expensive.
Guy: Yeah, this bracelet is made of 100% diamond. It cost me like 250 thousand dollars. What a bargain, eh?
Bartender: Seems like you make a lot of money. What do you do for a living?
Guy: I take cash from the bank and don’t give it back. It takes a lot of moral courage to rob banks to provide for my family.
Bartender: What? If that’s the case, then why do you even pay for the jewellery or this beer? You’re a hypocrite, that’s what you are, justifying robbing people as a living.
Guy: Hypocrite? You’re right. I'm living with double standards to justify my actions.
(5 seconds later)
Guy: Aye, open the cash register and give me your wallet or I will blow your fucking brains out. I fucking hate hypocrites and I will not gonna be one of em!
My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...
When is it acceptable to hit a dwarf?
When he dances with your wife and says her hair smells nice...
One day, a chemistry teacher asked his student, whose name is Raj, "What is the chemical formula of water?"
The Raj replied, "HIJKLMNO."
The teacher asked, "What is this rubbish?"
The Raj replied, "Yesterday, you taught the chemical formula of water is H2O."
Little Johnny asks a fireman, "Do you want to see my fire truck?"
So the fireman goes to look at it. Little Johnny tested it. "I got my hat in my fire truck."
So the fireman says, "Last night's alright, but why is it tied up to you wagging?" And he looks closer and sees the string is tied up in knots. He said, "That's nice all right, but why is it tied up to his nuts?"
The little Johnny said, "Well that's my son," and so he yanks on it.
Mom: It's time for sleep.
Baby: Is that what you think, huh?
Mom: *gives baby pacifier*
Baby: Nice try, hobo.
Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.
*few hours later*
Baby: *still awake*
Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!
Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.
People want to be nice to each other because they only have one life, and they want to live it well.
Sucks to be them. I'm a cat.
Why can’t orphans watch clean nice content? Because they are family friendly.
I was in Russia at a stand-up comedy performance about someone making fun of Putin, but the jokes were awful. The execution was nice, though.
Q: What did the kid on the airplane say?
A: "Those are two nice towers right there."
It’s nice hitting it from the back when my wife has wide hips.
Her butt cheeks look like big huge ball sacks as my thighs smack up against them when I’m thrusting. I like to finish off by grinding my weiner up and down her back like a gay man frotting his schlong on his partner’s ding dong.
How did the cheetah greet other animals?
Cheetah: "Nice to eat you."
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter's dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
I went to the store and I saw a kid with fake airpods, and I was going to tell him, "Nice fake airpods," but it was his hearing aids.
Why did the GG Miller say to the loser?
"This is a nice reflection!"