And Sterling has taken a dive. That's all for financial news, back to the football.
A new feature that we are bringing to the Olympics is 3D viewing. So if you're watching the javelin, I would look away now.
I would like to complain about the new sushi restaurant at Gatwick Airport. Although there were large portions going round on the conveyor, they did taste a bit like luggage.
The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.
Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."
Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"
Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."
Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
In other news, we are hearing of a nasty helicopter crash on the M4. Let's cross live to our eye-in-the-sky, Mark. Mark?
It's amazing how many things ryme with blue.
Blue, sue, stew, poo, screw, new, boo, do, rue, glue, you, to, too, flew, you, goo, zoo, two, moo, woo, ooh, blew...
A day in the life of a Biden voter.
$2000 stimulus check? Nah, $1400..some day. No more kids in cages? Nah, more kids in cages. $15 minimum wage? Nah, $11. Maybe. 50k loan forgiveness? Nah. Lol No more deportations? Nah, they're still leaving. Women's rights? Nah, dudes in women's sports. New COVID bill? Nah, mostly bailouts and pet projects. Cheap insulin? Nah, jack those prices up. Defeat fascism? Nah, barbed wire fences around DC.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impeccable.
BRAKING NEWS!
LITTLE JOHNNYS DEAD!!!
(My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song)
Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look likes a monkey, and you smell like one too!
(No affence to anyone reading this on there birthday)
Why does new pavement smell like butt?
I other words you can also call it asphalt. Ass-phalt
I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof
how do u punish a blind kid? move to a new house
Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.
Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: I've got you flowers.
Patient: Awww, What's the bad news?
Doctor: They're for your grave.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
By the way my Grandma told me this one
i went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when i saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range, i dont know who snitched...
anti funny joke why do depressed people want to kill them selves to be loved on the news show for 10 minutes
Doctor: You need new glasses.
Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.
Dad\mom:Son,your adopted .son:i know,.*holds up daddys phone that has the text of them talking about it.* dad:babe,we need to talk. mom:ok...... dad:hes grounded. mom:your right,your grounded! oh and im dumping you. son:am i getting a new daddy? mom:soon honey,soon.... dad:i really shouldnt have let her know i cheating
son:dad can i got a gf dad:son no u r oley 10 so no son:dad on bye am leave to get a gf dad:son nooo u r not my son son:whit did u say son slap the dad dad:sud son good bye get out of my home son:good u can go move to a new home
