Newness jokes

Yo mama so dumb, when the doctor told her she had coronavirus, she bought a new laptop.

As an American, I like cars. And like all car enthusiasts, even just a little scratch can ruin a brand new car.

So why is it that we go to different countries like India and see that almost every car is completely totaled? I guess we have different meanings of "it's just a scratch."

Little Johnny's neighbor just had a baby. He got invited to dinner with his neighbor. Little Johnny's dad said if he mentioned "ears" he will get a spank.

So Johnny looked in the bassinet. They were talking about the new baby. Johnny's mum said, "What beautiful eyes."

"That is great," said little Johnny, "because he will be stuffed if he needed glasses."

Guy, it was so weird yesterday. I saw a guy, and he kept repeating the same thing over and over. I hate people with dementia. I told my mom to get a new mirror, but she won’t listen to me. It’s almost like I said it like 20 times every time I say it.

How do you punish a blind kid?

Move to a new house.

A man walks in to the doctor.

He says, "Doctor, I need a new butt. Mine has a crack in it."

Doctor: How many times do I have to tell you!!!

Seems very long. You won't remember the telephone number...

I remember it like this from school days in Ireland.

Dolly Parton is shopping for a new bra. A lady says, "Your size is 69." Dolly says, "No way, that's too too too (222) big." So she goes to the doctor. "Doc, I need something to make my boobs smaller." "Here, take (51) pills for 6 days (x6)," and so she did. Days later, she ran back to the doc, "Jesus Christ doctor, look what happened. I'm BOOBLESS!" 55378008 upside down.

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy!

What's the similarities between the New York Jets and the World Trade Center?

They both fall in September.

I thought gender reveal parties were only for newborns, not for teenagers.

I am looking for a Robert "Jamie" Weber. He is a friend of mine from 3rd grade that welcomed me as the new kid. I am currently in 6th grade going into 7th grade (summer brake).

Orphan: Where are my parents?

God: New York City.

Orphan: But they used to live in China.

I did this to my ex. I stole her wheelchair. I knew she would come crawling back.

Doctor: I have bad news.

Man: What?

Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.

Man: Oh, no...

Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.

Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!

What's the difference between you and me?

I have a plan for this new year.

So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.

I got the new phone with longer lasting battery, but it still lasts longer than your relationships, ooooooooooo!

I wanted to hire a butler for my new mansion in downtown LA. As he arrived, he introduced himself and I discovered it was Ghostionel Pessi.

I asked him why is he working as a butler? He told me that “a big game is coming up so he needs to refine his bottleling skills.” DAMN PESSI!

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to your mom's house.

Knock knock.

You: Who's there?

Your new father!

Aaaah, I really wish Stephen Hawking was an organ donor...

I really need some new parts to my go-kart.

Did you know that McDonald's have a new McScully burger?

It's a 59-year-old piece of meat in a 2-year-old bun.