Newness jokes

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    • Mom: Don't forget to unload the dishwasher.

    Mom: Did you finish your homework?

    Mom: We are going to your grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.

    Mom: Dad and I talked. We are getting a new car next month.

    Son: You are?? Oh my gosh, thank you!

    Mom: No, I was just making sure you were getting my texts.

    Son: That was cruel!

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    • Mike

    • So you get a new job, and here's something about this guy named Mike.

    The next day you go into the office and Mike is sitting next to you, with unicorns and rainbows and stuff. Then, a co-worker comes up and says, "No one told you Mike was gonna be this GGGAAAAYYYYY *clap clap clap clap*."

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    • Newness memes

    Hamster

    • When I was a kid, my hamster died, so my mum bought a new identical one, hoping I wouldn't notice. It didn't matter anyway, since I beat that one to death, too.

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    • New Yorker

    • Who are the fastest readers in the world? New Yorkers. They went through 110 stories in under 10 seconds.

    Team

    • What NFL teams parts with James Charles!?

    Green Bay Packers & New England Patriots

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    • Childbirth

    • A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.

    They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

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    • Atom

    • What did the atom say to the other atom?

    "Did you see the new Tron movie?"

    Abortion

    • I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.

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    • Forest

    • There lived a jackal in a forest. He did not get the day's food, so he was very hungry and wandered throughout the forest, but could not find any food. Finally, he decided to go to the city. As he was walking into the city, he heard some dogs bark. Soon, he found a group of dogs running towards him, so he rushed into a nearby house which belonged to a dyer and fell into a tub filled with blue dye. The dogs that were chasing him returned back as they could not find him. The jackal came out blue from the tub and went into the forest. Every animal in the forest was frightened to see a new animal. The jackal realized that all animals were afraid of him and took advantage of the situation. He called the animals towards him. The jackal said, "Oh my dear friends, I have been sent by gods in heaven to protect you all. I will be the king of this jungle." All the animals became very happy. Everyday they served him food and took care of all his needs. They came to him with all their problems and listened to what their king said. One day as the king jackal was sitting by the court, he heard a pack of jackals howling in the forest. For a long time, he had not heard these voices. He felt very happy, forgetting he was the king, he howled back immediately. All the animals knew who he really was and started chasing him in anger, but the jackal was already on the run.

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    • Michael Jackson

    • There's a new Michael Jackson biopic in the works. There is a possibility that we will know who his love interest was.

    What we know so far: Billie Jean is not his lover, and that kid [seen with him] is not his son. We also know that Michael Jackson said that sharing his bed with little boys is "healing" and an act of "sharing the love," so take that as you will.

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