Newness jokes

Me in 2078 when the COVID-19 delta alpha theta beta cya layta alligayta nlgga chungus sussy deef clussy sussy bussy cunnybrap variant comes out and I need to stay in lockdown for another 2 years with my new mandated virus stopper buttplug 9000.

I love my new phone.

Brings a whole new meaning to brotherly love.

Mom: Don't forget to unload the dishwasher.

Mom: Did you finish your homework?

Mom: We are going to your grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.

Mom: Dad and I talked. We are getting a new car next month.

Son: You are?? Oh my gosh, thank you!

Mom: No, I was just making sure you were getting my texts.

Son: That was cruel!

Dear Victims... äh Passengers, we are flying now from Ryadh to New York. Amazing Building... äh Amazing City. There's online, but 2000 there were two Towers... äh Restaurants. We hijack the plane... äh Hi Jack. Jack is my co-pilot, and I said hello. Don‘t scream... History Repea... äh... History never comes back, we are now flying back to the Airport. 💀

What's Osama bin Laden's favorite football team? New York Jets!!!

Person 1: "Hey, I created a new word!"

Person 2: "What is it?"

Person 1: "Plagiarism!"

There's a new bird disease, it's called churpies.

It's a canariel disease, untweetable.

Stacy: Honey, I'm kinda new to texting, what does lol mean?

Justin: I'm not sure, "lots of love," I guess.

Margaret: Stacy, are you there? I don't know if you heard, but Amber and her three kids were killed in a car crash this morning. I'm in total shock!

Stacy: lol

If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?

Idaho... Alaska!

Confusion life question!!!

* Can you cry underwater? * Do fishes ever get thirsty? * Why don't birds fall out the tree when they sleep? * Why is a building called that when it's already built? * When they say dog food is new and improved, who tastes it?

Osama bin Laden

Got like 2,997 kills, damn, that's a new record!

If George Floyd was in the new little mermaid: Under da knee Under da knee Counterfeit 20 Drugs i took plenty Now i can’t breathe

The death of JFK must have splattered on the news.

ISIS recently brought out a new shampoo.

Head and Shoulders!

I asked Daveon if he ever considered trying something new, and he replied "why fix what ain't broke?"

Did you hear about the new doggy condos?

Apparently they are now releasing!

Hey! Guess what? I created a new word!

Plagiarism!

Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? Idaho, Alaska?

What it actually means: Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? I don’t know. I’ll ask her.

P.S. My dad is a history teacher and he told me to put this in here.

I've reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there'll be some new developments I won't like.