Worst Jokes Ever

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

I just found out I'm colorblind. It came out of the yellow.

What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"

How many ears does Captain Picard have?

Three: A left ear, a right ear, and a final front-ear.

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.

What's the difference between a gay and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

What is a pedophile's favorite part about Halloween? -- Free delivery.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

I love the smell of my F5 key. It's very refreshing.

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75.

Why didn't the bear go to college?

Because bears don't go to college.