Worst Jokes Ever
What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?
Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.
How do you escape a French prison?
Yell angrily in German!
How do you become with NATO? Promise no more world wars by secretly performing military practices behind their back.
I had an animal pun contest today. He started off by saying something. I don’t remember.
Then I replied, “TOUCAN play that game.” He went silent, and my other friend barged in and said, “Don’t you think he’s CHICKENing out?” I said, “Yeah, just stop HORSING around!” He came back with one, and I ended it by saying, “Ok, let’s MOOOOOve on cow.”
Welp, that’s it.
Did you hear about Hellen Keller falling down the well?
She screamed her little fingers off.
What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?
My last if she knows what's good for her.
What do 100,000 battered women have in common? The bitch was wrong!
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What's the difference between a pile of babies and a Lamborghini?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage...
You know buddy, that is really...
boroning.
What does a doctor do to make you better?
Helium.
Why did the Ice Cube complain about being so warm? Because he was dropped on the floor.
What did one piece of toilet paper say to the other? "I feel really wiped."
What’s green, fuzzy, and falls out of a tree? A pool table.
A man walks into a bar and sees a piece of steak on the ceiling.
The cashier says, "If you can grab it, your meal's free!"
The man then said, "Nah, the stakes are too high."
Kids are like a box of chocolates, they taste so good and you never know what you are going to get.
One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.
"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"
Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."
"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."
"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."
"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."
"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.
"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."
"Okay daddy!"
*long pause*
"Okay daddy! I did it!"
"Great job Sally! What did she say?"
"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."
Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"
What has three balls and flies through space?
E.T. the extra testicle.
You're dead inside.
(Stabs him 23 times)
Stephen Hawking drove too far from the wall and unplugged.
He also forgot to pay the power bill.
If you replaced the boss in Portal with a boy, you would hear Stephen Hawking.