I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.
My life is a joke.
What's so special about bullets?
They do work after they are fired.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.
I used to work at a bank, then I lost interest.
I used to work at a bank, then I lost interest.
Batman vs Superman?
So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."
I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."
I told my mother I'm a sexy cunt. She said, "No, you got cancer, you twat."
My mother said I'm sexy. I said no, I have cancer.
Why didn’t the construction worker build a bridge?
He was scared to get across.
Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!
Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!
How do you fit three flags on a bar stool?
Flip it over!
Did you know that, statistically, 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile? Not me though, not me though; I live next door to a lil 10 year old boy with a FAT ASS yenno what I'm sayin'???
Why is the elephant headed God the true God?
Because he doesn't exist!
How do you get 50 babies into a car?
You blend them.
I was at the store during a storm one time. I guess you could say it was story.
What is the opposite of salt water?
Pepper water.
Chuck Norris doesn't ride horses.
Horses ride him.
