I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back till I realized it is a family business.
Don't you hate it when you sit on your balls? It's a real nutcracker!
What did the duck say to the pond?
"Fuck Trump."
I made a website for orphans.
It doesn't have a homepage.
My wife went to make a cake. The recipe said, "Separate two eggs," so she put one egg in the living room.
Poopy, farty, pee.
Who likes penis?
My cousin!
During the holidays in the fruit bowl, the orange walked up to the banana and said, "Berry Christmas!"
Why am I so sad?
Why were the Twin Towers angry?
They ordered pepperoni, and all they got was plane.
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
A man with a drum.
"Well, tell him to beat it!"
Why did half of the world go to hell?
Because they were laughing at morbid jokes.
(You've been warned!)
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.
What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation?
A period.
Why?
Because it marks the end of a sentence.
I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.
About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."
I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."
Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"
when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder.
Why did Stephen Hawking die? He lost WiFi connection.
I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight(ate) nine.
If museums are full of dead things...
Then why aren't there any memes inside them?
