I've always wondered how it would feel to put Hellen Keller in a room full of doorknobs... but no doors.
Yo mama so fat, Thanos had to snap twice.
Three doctors go into a room to get rid of a dead guy's body. They notice when they walk over that he has a boner. The first doctor decides, "Why not fuck him? He still has a boner left in him." The second says, "Well, he's dead, and I am a virgin." The third one says, "I can't, I'm on my period," and then says, "Okay, why not? He's already dead. It's not like he doesn't smell bad." After all that, they go to walk out, and the guy pops up and says, "Thanks for saving my life, pumping blood back into my body..."
All dumbs aren't blonde.
Chuck Norris doesn't get sun burns. The sun knows better.
I fear my last words will be "hold my beer and watch this."
If you're ever bored, pee on an android. Apple is better!
Why do seagulls not fly over the bay? Because if the did,they'd be bay gulls.
If you're ever bored, adopt an orphan. What is he going to do, be kissed by Vedanta?
I caught my sister licking up and down and deep throating a banana. I said, "Why are you doing that for?" She replied, "I'm doing it for practice for your friends."
I told my mum that a few guys tell me that you're a MILF.
My mom said what that is. I reply, "Mom, I'd Like To Fuck." My mum started out to laugh, then she told me, "Well, now you need a new stepdad."
A blind man walked into me at a store. I said, "Watch it, bitch!" and he said, "Sorry, I didn't see you there."
Me: Have you ever went sky diving?
Friend: No.
Me: Well don't, it sucks.
Friend: Why?
Me: They gave me a parachute and I lived.
Yo mama so short that when she plays mini golf, it's just called golf.
Yo mama so ugly that on Halloween she didn't get candy.
So I made a parody for "Me, Myself, and I." It goes like this: "Me, Myself, and I, I'm gonna drink bleach until I die!"
What did my grandpa say after he kicked the bucket?
Nothing, I unplugged his life support before he said a word.
One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"
Teacher: Take a seat, class.
Wheelchair person: I've been in the seat.
A person with a wheelchair makes a joke. No one laughs.
Inner thought: "Wheely Manerva, wheely."
