New Jokes - Page 578 - Worst Jokes Ever

Sister: Wanna know the difference between your singing and your flute playing?

Me: Sure... (Expecting a completely different response than what I get.)

Sister: Nvm, they have no difference.

Me: *Confused*

Sister: They're both horrible.

The only difference between my grandma and the twin towers is that they collapsed faster than my grandma.

The Twin Towers collapsed faster than my grandma did.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?

A nervous wreck.

Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?

Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.

Fat teachers be like: "I hope you're paying a ten chin."

What do orphans like about tattoos? They stick around.

Why did the rooster cross the road?

To Cock-A-Doodle Die. Now you have a rooster pancake. My favorite. ^^

Why do orphans love boomerangs?

Because they always return.

Did you hear about the bad joke? No? It hasn't been made up yet. HAHAHAHAHAHA

Why did the chicken cross the road? To cock-a-doodle die...

SOOOO my sister said her first bad word yesterday. "Shit." My mum was like, "What did you just say, child?"

Sister: "I said the cat shits inside like the dog shi- uh oh......"

Now I've avoided this stuff by making my own word: Sugarplum. Sugarplum = shit...

My sister made some pie, and it tasted horribly... so I said this.... "This pie is very sugarplum-y." She said, "What do you mean by that?" I said, "It tastes like sugarplums..."

What do you call a picture of an orphan? A selfie.

What do you call a picture of an orphan?

A family photo.

Women treat me like a god.

They ignore me till they need something.

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said, "I inherited a watering hole."

Bewildered, I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."