Need Jokes

My four conditions:

1. I need coffee.

2. I need vacation.

3. I need food.

4. I need tape, axe, saw, bag, shovel, and an alibi.

What do you call a kid with special needs with a gun? Special Forces.

If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"

godd

The image is split into two sections. The top part shows two cartoon penguins looking straight ahead with blank expressions. A translucent image of one penguin is layered on top of the other. The caption above reads: "Me zoned out staring at a fixed point:". The bottom part shows a boy holding up a wooden cross and raising one hand in a defensive gesture. His expression is one of surprise and mild fear. The caption above the boy reads: "The ghost in my room:". The captions around the boy read: "How the flip can u see me?!" and "U need God".

My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.

Yes, I have gained weight. I have also gained more brains. Do you want some? You talk like you definitely need some more.

Yo mama so fat that she doesn't need the internet, she is worldwide.

Why can't orphans go to school? They need their parents to sign them up.

Yo mama is so fat that when she was at school, they needed a satellite to take her school photo.

Why can’t orphans go on field trips?

Because they need a parent signature.

I need a hug.

*hugs train*

My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.