Need Jokes

people in wheelchairs need to stand up four themselves

Me - why u need to use shampoo when ur already bald🤣

When you mom says go to bed but you replied with But mom i need help because it is inside but we are outside

Where do sex addicts go when they need to talk? Hoe-&-Tell.

A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box, and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations, and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts “Voodoo Dick, the door!” The wooden penis flies across the room, and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cahsier’s desk, and once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box and the cashier closes the lid. The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand.” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!” The man nods and heads home. Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip. A few days later, the wife becomes very horny, and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina, and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired, and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can, but just can’t get it it. The wife panicks, and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding, and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!” The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”

What type of file do you need to turn a 14 centimeter hole into a 40 centimeter hole

A pedophile

dentist: open up sir

me:so..i hate my life my family my sisters my dog my cat and i tried to take a bath with my toaster but my dog took it that's why i hate my dog and my cat died trying to chew my rope it choked.....yea

dentist: i.. meant your mouth .. so i can clean your teeth

me: :O ohhhh my bad

dentist : do u need help??

me: yep

dentist:...

me: ....

Three guys are on a plane one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American, and the Pilot says “There is to much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off.” So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said , “I have plenty of these where I come from,” the the Asian threw out some rice and said “I have plenty of these in my country,” The American threw out a bomb and said, “I have a lot of these in my country.” The plane crashes anyway and the three men start to walk away from the crash, as they were walking the found a boy crying they asked him what was wrong and he said, “A ton of Buritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy,” The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying they asked him what was wrong and he said, “A ton of rice fell out of the sky and sherded all my clothes.” The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble, they kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny the boy said, “MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!”

One day me and my girlfriend were just hanging out and she needed to tell our dad that we were going out.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? 1 you just need too throw it hard enough.

Why does a giraffe need such a long neck?

Because its head is so far away from its body.

Why are hospitals always freezing?

They need to keep the vegetables cold.

so I was at home and I went to take a shower and I accidentaly walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later I needed my headphones to listen to music so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our House only has one bathroom sweet home alabama

I took a special needs child to a shooting range.

Poor bastard had no idea which direction to run in.

Yo mama so fat the scale said I need your weight, not your phone number

Yo hairline so far back that you need a magnifying glass to see it

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture? You need only one nail to hang a picture unfortunately.

My mom gave my friend for a blow job for god luck on his job interview, then my mom gave my other friend a blow job for his interview and they both got the job, now who needs good luck got their job interview just ask my mom. My mom is a good luck charm.