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This guy went to the gas station to get some gas, and as he asked the cashier for gas he noticed a terrible smell. He asked what the smell was and the cashier replied, "That's your gas, cuz I farted. Now hand me the 20 bucks!"

The guy said, "No, not the kind that comes from your ass, but the kind you put in a car!" The cashier says, "That fart was worth 20 bucks, so beat it!"

Guy says, "I need real gas, nothing about your ass impresses me!" Then another guy gets in line and says, "I know the guy personally, we grew up together. Always trying to be the cool kid in school, bragging about his big horse's ass...no wonder he was always the *butt* of all jokes!"

Chapter 1. "Kid teacher"

Mrs. Lewis: Class, I want everyone to look at their textbooks and find a reasonable essay topic. My suggestion is page 232 or 678. Now, this essay counts as the final grade for the semester. Now do it, or you will repeat 5th grade again! Now turn to page 100, and we'll start reading from there. Do you all understand?

Neilela: Yes ma'am, quick question, we don't have to do it today... do we?

Mrs. Lewis: Yes! It is today!

Andrua: It sounds boring, and all I have to do today is be a big jerk who gives way too much instruction.

Mrs. Lewis: Anyway, let's get to work.

56 hours later.

Mrs. Lewis: Kids, when I call you, please tell me what you liked about your essay. When I call your name, Carl.

Carl: Why me? Yes?

Mrs. Lewis: What did you like about the story, Carl?

Carl: Um... I liked it when... um... um... um... um...

Jeklen: He didn't even read the story because he's too busy trying to look up the letter "J" and its meaning!

Carl: Jeklen, shut up and stop biting your hair.

Jeklen: At least I know what the letter "J" is.

Mrs. Lewis: Class, please listen. Carl, did you read the story that I asked you?

Carl: Well, not really because you were the one reading it in class, so...

Vronica: For real!

Carl: Mhmmm

Mrs. Lewis: Listen class, this homework needs to be done today! DO IT!

Kimbriel: Ms. Lewis, I have a lot of questions about tonight's homework.

Mrs. Lewis: Yes?

Kimbriel: You assigned so many things just for a little test! What?

Mrs. Lewis: I need a break! Peyton, you're in charge!

All students: NO, NOT PEYTON !!!!!!

Peyton: Me? In charge? Of the class?

Jessica: Wow, but you're all about the boredom!

Peyton: Shut up! yeeeeeeee

Peyton: Ms. Lewis, there must be a mistake, how can I be in charge? I'm 11... I think...

Ari: To think that yesterday she thought she was 8 years old.

Oh sorry... I think.

Mrs. Lewis: Have you ever heard of a teacher's vacation?

All students: That's not a thing!

I never heard of it...

Mrs. Lewis: Well, me and Ms. Sumrall, we are going on a "teacher vacation", we can do it because we become calmer, or we don't get angry at the students. AND WE CAN DO IT!

Khloe: Why?

Mrs. Lewis: Because I am an adult.

Ms. Sumrall: Is Petrina ready?

Ms. Lewis: Yes, thank goodness for this!

Kenya: Bye? "Chapter 2" To be continued...

Carly (😊): What a beautiful day, huh?

Bianca (😔): Yes, for you it is.

Carly (😟): What's wrong?

Bianca (😕): Nothing, nothing at all...

Carly (😠): Don't lie to me...

Carly (🤔): Hmmm... Jordan???

Carly (😈): Because if so, I can take him out like this...

Bianca (😔🙄😒): Thank you... no... and I don't give a damn anymore!

Carly (😠): Bianca, trust me, you don't love him anyway!

Bianca (😒): Please, Carlyana, please keep your fucking face out of this.

Carly (😈): No need to curse, I can do that to Jordan if you want...

Bianca (😔): Well... shut your mouth and leave me alone!

Why can’t orphans go on field trips?

Because they need a parent signature.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."

Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

Two hunters are in the woods and one falls to the ground.

Terrified, he dials 911 and says, “Help! I think my friend is dying. What do I do?” The nurse says, “I need you to make sure he’s dead.” The hunter replies, “Ok, I’ll be right back.” The nurse is startled after hearing a gunshot. The hunter comes back and says, “I checked. Now what do I do?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his heart has completely stopped.” She is startled when she hears the sound of a taser. The hunter comes back and says, “What’s next?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his brain has completely shut down.” The nurse is once again startled when she hears the sound of a bone being crushed by what seemed to be a hammer. The hunter comes back and asks, “Anything else?” The nurse says, “Nope. That’s it.”

jacethehater, you are a hater, and it needs to stop! Waterhsharky is very nice to people, so leave him alone for whatever he/she did or did not do. He did not do nothing. So leave him/her alone. Plus, making threats to people is very bad, and comments can be seen everywhere! So don't get too cocky with everything.

As I’m lying down on the table for a radiation treatment, a small angel lands on one shoulder, a tiny devil on the other shoulder. And then the mind game begins:

Angel: This won’t last long. You are perfectly lined up. The treatment only lasts a few mins. Remember, stay absolutely still.

Devil: Did she just twitch?

Angel: No. She didn’t twitch.

Devil: I think I saw her finger twitch.

Angel: Well, even if it did, it’s her thigh the techs are aiming at.

Devil: She wants to scratch her face.

Angel: Stop it! She can handle staying still a few minutes.

Devil: But her cheek has an itchy spot.

Angel: She can just let it itch. She doesn’t need to scratch every itch. She will just have to think about something else.

Devil: Wow...that cheek is really itchy...

Angel: Think about: Flowers. Acrylic painting. Did the trash get picked up this morning? Her grandson Oliver’s smile...

Devil: How about a song?

Angel: Good idea!

Devil: How about... “Never going to give you up. Never going to let you down....”🎶

Angel: OMG! You just Rick-rolled her! She’s in the middle of a treatment! You know that’s the only part she knows!

Devil: That’s okay. She’ll just repeat the words she knows over and over and over and....

Angel: Don’t be so mean!

Devil: “Never going to give you up...🎶”

Angel: Stop it!

Devil: Her toe! Her big toe! Did you see that? She just twitched it!

Angel: No, she didn’t.

Devil: I bet it screwed up the test and they have to start over....

Angel: She didn’t screw anything up!

Devil: She totally screwed the test up and they were more than halfway done. If they start over at the beginning, she will get too much radiation, and they will end up slicing her whole leg off!

Angel: That’s not how it works...

Devil: Or they just stop all together and she only gets a partial treatment and her tumor won’t get enough radiation.

Angel: They know what they are doing!

Devil: ...And it won’t shrink the tumor and the whole thing fails. And the doctor will have to amputate her leg.

Angel: No! No! No! That’s not how any of this...

Devil: ...And when they amputate, it will be at the hip and not below the knee because the tumor is in her thigh.

Angel: Stop this right now!!

Devil: “Never going to give you up....🎶”

Angel: Stop!

Devil: “...never going let you down....🎶”

Angel: I’m not going to let you...

Devil: “Never going to give you up...🎶”

Techs: Okay. That’s it, Tammi! We are finished! How are you doing?

Tammi: ...Oh, I’m fine.....

There has to be someone that hates watersharky. He curses at you if you say one thing about his friends or him. He just is mean and needs to leave.

Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubba's two best friends (the three were inseparable) agreed. The first friend said, "Hard to tell, can you turn him over?" The coroner looked perplexed but did so. "Nope, that's not Bubba." The second friend said, "He's burnt up pretty bad, can you roll him over again?" The coroner didn't understand but rolled him over anyway. "Nope, that's not him." Pretty confused, the coroner asked, "How can you tell it's not him by rolling him over?" "Well, you see, Bubba had two assholes." "Impossible," the coroner replied. The friends said, "I don't know, but every time we went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

Okay, is this the new thing, saying "Gwen" in your "joke," then people will comment and you can make more friends? If so, then I really need to be saying "Gwen" more in my "jokes or chats."