My jokes

I like my people how I like my tea...

In a bag under water.

I wish I could be as visible as my depression is.

Father: "Son, you were adopted."

Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."

My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.

A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."

1273. Depression got the best of me. I'm gonna cry in my room now.

My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."

Friend: Hey, wanna play hide and seek? Me: Sure, I've got a great spot! Me: *grabs knife and runs to my closet*

My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

My family is like treasure. You need a shovel and a map to find them.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

What’s the difference between my lawn and my wrists?

Nothing, I cut both of them.

Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Father: "I don't trust you. You poured your seed in my daughter's belly."

Son: "But Paah, you can't fire me."

Father: "You're lucky you're my brother too, or I'd kill you."

Orphan boy: "Your dad is probably disappointed in you. I mean, look at you."

Me: "Well, at least my parents kept me. Where are yours?"

I'm starting to wish my grass was emo.

Why?

So it would cut itself.

My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.

I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.