My jokes

I was hit by a car. Later, my ex lost her bus job.

I looked at your hairline, and when I saw you, I thought to myself of the last time I was a baby.

I have said a ton of jokes in my lifetime.

But I got fired from that job.

I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!

HELP! I MIGHT BE A RELIGIOUS EXTREMIST BECAUSE MY RHYMES ARE DA BOMB.

Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"

And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."

I will remember my brother's last words: if you can't put a fork in a toaster, how about a spoon?

I was absolutely fuming when I found out my mate was rifling through my mum's knicker drawer.

No one goes in there without my permission!

My brother went missing 5 years ago. He also supported TRUMP. He is currently dead in my basement in a chest in a cupboard.

My mum told me to take you to the zoo and throw you in the lake, but I couldn't find you.

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

I drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was... Oh, CRAP!!!

Read my name.

RYAN MY BELOVED SON WHERE ARE YOU?

Person: My left ear is ringing.

Friend: Then answer it!

I told my Mum, "Will you remember me in 6 minutes, 6 hours, 6 years?"

She said, "Yes."

"Knock knock."

I said, "My mum, who's there? You didn’t remember me!"

I held on to my money stronger than an orphan holds on to a teddy bear on Father's Day.

Teacher: What is your name? Me: Written in the stars.

Teacher: Where? Me: A million miles away.

Teacher: What are you talking about? Me: A message to the main.

Teacher: You must change your behavior! Me: Seasons come and go, but I will never change.

Teacher: Go to the school principal NOW! Me: And I'm on my way.

This ole boy that's locked up called his ole lady and got into it with her, and she said, "Well, fuck you, I don't need you no more anyway. I got 2 or 3 guys out here wanting me and trying to fuck me."

He said, "Well, honey, that's the least of my worries. I got 10 or 12 guys in here tryin' to fuck me."

I asked my phone why I couldn't get a date.

It showed a picture of myself.