My Jokes

best friend makes 9/11 joke

you: hey my dad was inside the tower

best friend: im sorry

you: I always knew he was a great pilot

1273 depression got the best of me, i'm gonna cry in my room now

my mom said take out the trash and i said okay. the next day she asked "where is your sister", and i said in line to get crushed.

friend: hey,wanna play hid and seek? me:sure, i've got a great spot! me: *grabs nuce and runs to my closet*

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!” A man in the back responds, “YOU AINT GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”

My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.

A Pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers, the passenger asks, "Why did you become a Pilot?" The Pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says "You're afraid of heights?". "No, i'm afraid of dying alone".

My mom told me its not healthy to stay in my room all day....but the only places I’m allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Roses are red,my name is Dan,I have a gun,GET IN THE VAN!

Orphan boy: "Your dad is probably disappointed in you. I mean, look at you." Me: "Well, at least my parents kept me. Where are yours?"

My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.

I'm starting to wish my grass was emo. Why? So it would cut itself.

What’s the difference between my lawn and my wrists? Nothing, I cut both of them

My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again

I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

My life

Tell me when you get it

My friends: ugh why are you so lazy and no fun My parents: why can't u be like ur siblings My teacher: I don't care if ur depressed focus on ur study! The songs: we understand you :)