My jokes

Me and my wife love playing table tennis. I couldn’t win all day, but when it got dark, I managed to beat her. I don’t know how the police found out so quickly.

How did my dad know I was gay?

He stuck his cock in me and I liked it.

I called my guy friend a cock-sucker the other day. He replied with, "Hey, 20 bucks is 20 bucks."

My local pet store sells prong collars to get dogs to behave.

But when I tried them on an Alzheimer's patient, I got fired from the nursing home.

A German, a Swiss, and a Russian make a bet: whoever has the most forest area in their country wins about 10,000 euros.

First, they fly over Switzerland: 8,000 square kilometers of forest. The German starts getting cold feet, as he doesn't think he'll win. Next, they fly over Russia: 50,000 square kilometers of forest. The German realizes he doesn't stand a chance unless he cheats.

When they fly over Germany, they see 10,000 square kilometers of forest. The German seems to have won, but then the Swiss shouts: "That's a tree!" The German was accused of fraud.

The German is furious. He calls the head of the Bundeswehr: "Why did the tree move?!" The boss said, "I'll put the guy who moved on the line," and passed the receiver over.

"Why did you move?" the German asked.

The young man replied: "Okay, when a dog came along and peed on my trunk, that was still fine. But then a bear came along and rubbed against my trunk..."

The reason why in the US their emergency number is 911 is because of my uncle Mohamed, RIP, best pilot ever.

Kris

Damn this shit!

Megan Thee Stallion: What!

Kris: My mother is a fucker!

The whole world:

OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For some reason, people make fun of my name because it rhymes with something that starts with an F.

"Police control! Have you been drinking?"

"Go Pikachu! Thunder Clap!"

"Did you just throw a hamster at my head?"

I spy with my little eye something starting with, actually I have TWO normal eyes.

My mom told me to get dressed, and I said, "For what? Are we going to the rodeo?"

I’m back and have a joke my friend said!

Person 1: My brother's Halloween costume is so ugly.

Person 2: What was it?

Person 1: He went as himself.

There are three people on the steps of Heaven. God tells them all he is having a good day and if they make him laugh by telling him how they died, he will let them in.

The first one said, "I just finished a long day of work and I get home, and right as I stepped in, I knew my wife was cheating on me. I searched everywhere and I couldn’t find anybody, so I got a drink and went to the balcony, and then I saw him, hanging off the ledge of the balcony. I kicked his hands, but he wouldn’t fall, so I threw a Refrigerator at him, and I fell with the Refrigerator."

God busted out laughing and let him in.

The next person walked up and God told him the same thing he told the other person. God told him that he didn’t think that he could make him laugh more than the first person. The second guy said, "So get this, I’m a window washer on the 8th floor. I’m washing the windows like normal, and this enraged psychopath walks up and starts kicking my hands, and then he throws a refrigerator at me and I die."

God bursts out laughing so much to where he falls off his chair, and he lets the guy through. The next guy comes up and God tells him the same thing he told the last two people, and he tells him that there is no way that he can make him laugh more than the other two did. So he starts talking. "So get this, I’m in a refrigerator..."

My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?

"Hey, Firesharky... How did you know if I was your brother when I'm not? You didn't even say my name, and plus, I'm lying about my name."

My social life.

My wife is so fat, she gets home, her ass gets home a half hour later.

Attention to everyone, I'm not going to be on for 2 weeks because I was in a bike accident, or more like a motorcycle accident. I was ran off the road when my 16 year old brother was taking me for a ride. Now I can't use my legs cause, well, you know. I will be taking a break because I don't want to move my legs that much.

I finally asked my deadbeat dad what makes him happy. His answer? He hasn't gotten back to me.

Hi, my name is Unknown Guy! Please join my group for the picture I show you, we will do this every week!

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Hint: Pictures of woman.

Btw, for men only!