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My jokes

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs.

Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

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    • Boy goes to Confession.

    Boy: "What are you doing, father?"

    Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."

    Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"

    Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."

    "I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me."

    We never saw him again.

    My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead. My dad's dead.

    So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

    When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

    "Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

    Then it clicked.

    "Ah, so that's how you died."

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    • When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

    An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"

    Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"

    Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."

    A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.

    The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.

    "Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"

    I ate the last of my Egyptian food, and now I falafel. I don't know why I made that joke. Probably just becuscus.

    My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a small dick. Too bad for her, because I give good sex.

    Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

    My friend Arid asked me what I did over the weekend. I told him, "I read."

    Get it? I read? No... ok.

    Hello, Brudas, my name Badabeeyeabolamazoqanba. I, forty-eight-year man from Somalia. Sorry for bad England. I sold my wife for internet connect, and I am level thirteen in Roblacks. If you want to get batter in Roblacks, contact me at Gmail@borakoobama. Send me your bank account information and password. Than I well give you all the cotton you desire. Sorry for bad spelling. I kindergarden dropout.

    I like my women how I like my wine: 12 years old and locked in a cellar.

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