My jokes

I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"

My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.

The first priest asks the second, "How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?" The priest replies, "No clue... I close my eyes when I masturbate!"

Wanna hear a funny joke?

My life.

My life.

My life, lmao.

Mortar is like a woman's fanny; the more you play with it, the wetter it gets.

My tutor just said this quote of 2k18^^^

Pontypool is rough.

I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.

I was talking to my friends and they said a random topic about cats, and I'm like, "Water you talking about?" =3

I like my woman like I like my coffee: in a big sack on top of a donkey.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

When I was in high school, me and my friends would play with this girl who had Down syndrome.

We would get into a circle around her and say, "Nightmare, nightmare!"

Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"

Woman two: "Did that work?"

Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."

Friend: My girls are like boomerangs; they always come back.

Me: Mine DON'T :(

Friend: You know how I like my women like my coffee... hot.

Me: What if you don't like coffee? :(

I like my women how I like my coffee... HOT.

There is only one thing I have to give my enemies.

A bucket full of dead baby heads and semen so they can replenish their spawn.

I like my women like I like my chocolate.

Edible.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

I was talking to my old friend. They said, "We should hang out more!"

I said, "You mean we should ketchup?"