My jokes

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

My penis.

My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.

Suck my butts, queer.

My teacher started talking about houses, then I said I don't want that informansion.

My friend asked me how fast my humor was, and I said it jumps borders. Then he asked how dark my humor is, and I said it picks cotton.

Website: Submit a joke :-)

Me: My life.

My friend Richard is always bullying all the little kids in the neighborhood. He is such a dick.

I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"

Hey Autocorrect- STOP TAMPERING WITH MY CURSE WORDS YOU MOTHERDUCKING FORKLIFT!

My brother has a fucking ass and I wake up to him twerking.

How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.

I was looking for my sister... I looked down at my feet and saw her.

Paper.

Aww c'mon! I thought my joke made the cut!

I was remembering the time when I lost my brother, only until I heard that hide and seek wasn't the best idea, especially in a secluded parking lot in downtown.

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.

My mama always told me, don't pick your nose or it will fall off! I thought she meant my nose.

Hey, give me a break! I'm a little shorthanded!

Oh no, not rock paper scissors again! I always lose. Come on guys, I just lost my finger a day ago! This is Tony, later on.

So my friend's birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.

You make the juice go through my power brick.

My hips can't move, but Heineken.