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My jokes

My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."

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    • There were 5 cows on a farm, one mom and 4 calves.

    The first calf goes up to the mom and says, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"

    The mother cow replies, "Well sweetie, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."

    The second calf walks up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?", to which the mom replies "Well honey, when you were born, a single lily petal fell on your head."

    The third calf walks up, but before it can get a word out, the fourth calf screams at the top of its lungs. The mother cow yells, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

    A father is talking to his three kids.

    Kid 1: Why is my name Rose?

    Dad: Because when you were a kid, a rose fell on your head.

    Kid 2: Why is my name Lily?

    Dad: Because a lily fell on your head when you were a baby.

    Kid 3: Auughhghhhggghhh!

    Dad: Oh hey, Brick.

    I was running away from expired grocery items with my friend, when I got out I noticed he was left for bread. I felt so guilty, he was toast. I'm not loafing this.

    I love to play catch with my dad! He's never there to catch the ball, though.

    Orphan: I want to be a relator.

    Teacher: Why?

    Orphan: Because I never had one in my childhood.

    One day me and my friend Howard the duck went into the bar. I ordered a drink. Howard told the waiter to put it on his... BILL.

    What did the skeleton say when his girlfriend said, "I'm gonna break your heart?"

    He says, "Go ahead, you're not breaking my 206 healthy bones!"

    I followed the sun for a day (stood there at noon). I found myself at the same spot.

    There once were 3 men on an airplane and one bit into an apple and said, "This is disgusting!" and threw it out the window. The 2nd man bit into a banana and said, "This is rotten!" and he threw it out the window. The 3rd man bit into a bomb and screamed, "ALL MY TEETH FELL OUT!" and he threw it out the window.

    Meanwhile, on the ground, a police officer was walking and he saw a kid crying and he went up to him and asked him why he was crying. He replied, "An apple came flying out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The police officer said, "That is weird," and kept on walking. Then he saw another kid crying and the police officer asked, "Why are you crying?" and he answered, "A banana came flying out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The officer said, "This has been a strange day." Then he sees a kid laughing and he asked why he was laughing and he said, while he was laughing, "My dad farted and the house blew up!"

    Girl: Come over.

    Orphan: I can’t.

    Girl: My parents aren’t home ;)

    Orphan: Just two things I don’t have.