My Jokes

My mom told me she couldn't open the garage door. Then it opened up to me that it wasn't broke anymore.

My friend thinks he is funny.

He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion, so I threw a coconut at him.

A joke: my life, hahahahaha! Wait, it's not funny.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Big tits.

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

Once my dad left to get milk, then I realized we own a cow.

Q: How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Not three. My damn basement is still dark...

When you say to your dad...

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Dad be like...

Who wants my son?

Nan be like, "Me!"

Kid be like...

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GIVE ME #### ROUX!

What are roux, says nan?

Um, they're your life savings!

Nan be like, "Let's get some roux!"

Q: What did the grandma cat say to her grandson when she saw him slouching?

A: You need to pay more attention to my pawsture.

"Hippity hoppity, don't abolish my property!"

I'm bone dry in material, but I have a skeleTON of skeleton jokes. After I tell you all these rib ticklers, you will have a bone to pick with if you didn't find that funny, you outta rip my spine out.

I still remember my dad's last words: "Don't worry son, Allah will be pleased."

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.

Aren't my egg yolks amazing? Don't they make you crack up? If not, I better scramble!

My best friend ran away with my wife. I really miss him.

The baby water bottle said to the mommy water bottle, "Mommy, I lost my teddy bear." The mommy water bottle said, "Why don't you RECAP on what you said?"

My friend and I were walking down the street, and we saw this one disabled kid getting bullied by three other kids. Urgently, we sprinted over to help. He had no chance against the five of us.

There's an orphan in my class... For some reason, he never leaves.