My jokes

I'll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I'm a baker's man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I'll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you're now worthless to me!

I'll pat-your-breasts, pat-your-breasts, cos I'm a baker's man, and you bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I'll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", and then put you in the oven for the bitch and me!

This is an inside joke for my friend Caiden...

"Hey, where’d you get that paint from?" "Ha! Paint!"

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Stranger.

Stranger who?

Stranger, why are you in my house masticating my apparent dead wife?

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.

Turns out it was the fridge.

My ex-boyfriend's dick is so small that instead of giving him a handjob, I had to give him a thumb and forefinger job.

There is a kid in my class who is allergic to peanuts. He says he's gay. He can't be though... he's allergic to nuts!

Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.

And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.

And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"

I will never forget my grandpa's last words:

Alahu-Akbar.

When my dad once went to the Virgin Islands, now it's just called the Islands.

I went on a date last night and told my date I worked with animals every day.

She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."

My aunt's star sign was Cancer, so it's pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a giant crab.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

My grief counselor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn't care.

My sister asked where is my book.... me: "itti badi nak hai gufa jaisi dhund us mei."

My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.

The two biggest dyslexic guy lies: "My check is in your mouth," and "I won't come in your mailbox."