My jokes

My friend wasn't laughing at my jokes, so I said, "Is your funny bone broken?" But he got mad, and then I said, "Do you have a bone to pick with me?" He tried to insult me, but I said, "Call me what you want, I got thick skin," and this story was down to the bone.

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."

Sean's hairline recedes faster than my grades.

My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.

Me and my mom order Chinese food. So when it came, my mom grabbed the egg roll and started to suck it down. Then I ask my mom what are you doing. Then my mom says, "I love you for 5 dollar."

My joke is about Archer, riddles, sex life. Wait, sorry, there is none.

Thanks for reading Archer’s love life story.

I asked my North Korean friend, "what's it like to live in North Korea?" He responded, "can't complain."

Guys, my sister's pregnant!

I'm finally a dad!

How many babies does it take to replace a light bulb? I'm guessing more than 10 cause it's still dark in my basement.

I asked my friend if they wanted to hear a joke about sodium, and they said, "Na."

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed.

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said,

"Why the heck were my children jumping on a bed?"

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.

What did the fish say to the other fish?

"I want my life to be H2O-ver!"

My brother can't wait for spring... he wet his plants!

"What's 9 + 10?"

"21" (lol XD)

Also:

"My name Jeff" (Roar XD)

One more thing:

Ninja has ligma.

I would tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I can only think of the punchline.

Hi, my name's Dixy.

Dixy Normis.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance on the cliff, so I pushed her over because I lost my balance!

My grandpa asked me to pass him his phone, but I passed him a calculator. He couldn't tell the difference.