My jokes

I played piano at a Worthmore disabled elderly center. Then after I was done, I said, "How about you give me a standing ovation?"

I regret it to this day. Now I am forced to live here at Worthmore, and sit on my wheelchair, sad and lonely.

I was digging in my garden when I found a treasure chest full of gold. I was about to run inside and tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

The other day someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"

Santa was in my social studies book. He was a redcoat.

A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.

But hay! It's in my jeans!

My mom said to let Jesus come inside me; now I can't sit down.

What does Santa say about my mom? HO HO HO!

I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone, and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.

My wife said I acted like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

We were discussing cows in a lesson. I asked my teacher why she was one.

I caught my mom licking up and down and deep throating a banana. I said, "Why are you doing that?" She replied, "I’m doing it for practice for who could suck the best dick contest in the neighborhood."

"Suck my sugar, honey, it's very sweet and juicy."

Whenever I’m bored, I hit up my local orphanage and beat some of them up.

I mean honestly, what are they going to do, tell their parents? 😂😂

A guy tells his pal, "My wife is expecting. We're going to the clinic to see if it's a girl or a boy."

"Congrats, man. What are you gonna name it if it's a boy?"

"We're going with Trevor."

"Ok, what if it's a girl?"

"Then we'll have an abortion."

My mom told me that she and the owner of a Chinese restaurant made a deal. Now we get free Chinese food. So I ask my mom why do we get free Chinese food? Then my mom said, "I love him long time."

I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.

Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.

My bro said food was cool. So I threw a piece of cool chicken at him. For some reason, he hit me, OOF.

Dad: How was your trip to the park?

Daughter: It was good until the man came along.

Dad: *gasps* Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened?

Daughter: He made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off...

Dad: Oh God, what next?

Daughter: Nothing, that was it.

Dad: Oh, come on! That wasn't exciting, make something up!