My jokes

I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone, and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.

My wife said I acted like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

We were discussing cows in a lesson. I asked my teacher why she was one.

I caught my mom licking up and down and deep throating a banana. I said, "Why are you doing that?" She replied, "I’m doing it for practice for who could suck the best dick contest in the neighborhood."

"Suck my sugar, honey, it's very sweet and juicy."

Whenever I’m bored, I hit up my local orphanage and beat some of them up.

I mean honestly, what are they going to do, tell their parents? 😂😂

A guy tells his pal, "My wife is expecting. We're going to the clinic to see if it's a girl or a boy."

"Congrats, man. What are you gonna name it if it's a boy?"

"We're going with Trevor."

"Ok, what if it's a girl?"

"Then we'll have an abortion."

My mom told me that she and the owner of a Chinese restaurant made a deal. Now we get free Chinese food. So I ask my mom why do we get free Chinese food? Then my mom said, "I love him long time."

I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.

Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.

My bro said food was cool. So I threw a piece of cool chicken at him. For some reason, he hit me, OOF.

Dad: How was your trip to the park?

Daughter: It was good until the man came along.

Dad: *gasps* Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened?

Daughter: He made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off...

Dad: Oh God, what next?

Daughter: Nothing, that was it.

Dad: Oh, come on! That wasn't exciting, make something up!

I don't understand the plane crash at 9/11. My dad was a great pilot!

My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.

I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."

I called my dog 5 miles.

Today, I fawn over my miles.

My ex's love for me :(

I still love the dude sadly, but I won't take him back.

I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.

Most embarrassing moment during sex, GO!

James Arnold: My grandma walked in while I was knife raping my wife.

The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"

The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"

"Yellow and far apart."

Mother: How is my little cookie doing?

Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.

Mother: Really?

Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.

Mother: 😁♥️🍪

My "parents" are so dumb. Who tf names their son "Lydia"?