My jokes

My god, my egg jokes are eggcellent!

My name is Justin. I like dick. Lit? Let me eat you out like?

My name is Justin. I like boys. Hit me up?

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

My name is Big Dick.

My friend: Yo stupid.

Me: Is that right, and what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?

My friend: *rolls eyes and says whatever.*

Me: Keep on rolling them, you might find your brain in there.

My friend: "Yo, stupid."

Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"

My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."

Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."

I named my dog Chicken.

I love eating chicken.

My mom

I didn't put my kids up for adoption.

My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.

I only remember my father's last words before he died. He said, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.

"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."

"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.

Grandma pointed to the campfire.

I bought my spoiled brother a trampoline for his birthday, but he decided to sit in his wheelchair like a little bitch.

My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.

So this guy named Andrew Furda was my boyfriend for like a half a week, so five days. Then bam, I cut my hair. He only liked me for my looks, and I hoped he regrets it because it is WAR, so if you see this, you're going down, Andrew!

I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.

My friend has a dog who looks like cocoa. Her name is Cocoa!

When your friend asks why you don't smile, then you look at them and realize no one is there because you have no friends. #my life