My jokes

Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were going out and walk home and walk walk home from school and walk home from home and walk home and walk walk home, and I will get back with him tomorrow morning.

I love my dog and all dogs.

What's the difference between sleeping pills and my beating my meat?

Sleeping pills actually come with a prescription.

Somebody stole my joke.

So I stole their spinal cord.

My parents came back from their vacation in Florida, and all I got is this lousy nursemaid from Miami named mammie.

"Tibia" honestly, I think the reason I’m "bonely" is because you guys don’t find my jokes "humerus."

Maybe if I played the trombone it would get people’s attention, but "tibia" honest I can’t be bothered, so just look at my "BONE-zai" tree, although my brother doesn’t really like that one, so how about a "S-pine" tree?

While writing my suicide note, I got a paper cut... it’s a start.

My best friend said, "Can you put your dick in me?" I said, "Can I cum in you?"

My grandfather tells me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

If I went to Walmart, I would be able to scan my own wrists because they're barcodes too.

Suck my dick when you lay. I have to say you are gay.

Watching porn.

Watching porn blow my dick like a basset horn.

I always sucked at mazes. I found myself lost over and over again, but if life is a labyrinth, I'd always find the escape. The final dead end, my personal favorite...

So my sis thinks she's so smart. She said, "You can finish this move ten minutes later. Go to sleep."

(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes.)

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.

Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.

Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Cow A: I slept with your sister!

Cow B: Never knew my brother was a girl!

All the other cows:

:O

Cool kid: I slept with your sister.

Me: Never knew my brother was a girl.

Everyone else: :O

He said he didn't want to be my brother anymore.

He's now my sister.

After I am dead during my funeral service, I want someone to play my favorite song by Boy George and Culture Club, "Church of the Poison Mind."

My and my penis never truly understood the words "Booby traps" until we met the ex-wife. God's gift of self-will was working fine until my penis went hard and my mind went blank, and God started laughing, and I swear I heard him say, "Booby trap" as he walked away! True story.