My jokes

My therapist said to try having a different outlook on life.

I agree. I should have a different outlook on life. Preferably from underground.

I tried to calculate 3/(my life), and I kept getting zero.

I've looked everywhere... I just can't seem to find where I left my will to live.

Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"

Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"

So, Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher assigned him to learn the ABC's. So he goes home and asks his mom, who's cooking, "What's the first letter of the ABC's?" He asks, and his mom responds with "SHUT UP... I'M COOKING!"

So then he walks to his sister, who's singing in the shower, and asks her, "What's the 2nd letter of the ABC's?" She responds with "I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go!" Then he walks over to his brother, who's watching Batman, and asks, "What's the 3rd letter of the ABC's?" and his brother responds with "Nu nu nu nu Batman!" Then he proceeds to walk to his dad, who's watching football, and asks, "Dad, what's the 4th letter of the ABC's?" and he responds with "95 HIT EM HARD!" Then he walks to his grandma, who's cooking buns, and asks her, "What's the 5th letter of the ABC's?" and she responds with "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!" Then Johnny proceeds to go to school the next day, and the teacher says to her class, "Can any of you tell me the first letter of the ABC's?" Johnny, of course, raises his hand, and the teacher calls on him. Then he says, "SHUT UP I'M COOKING!" Then the teacher raises and eyebrow and says, "Young man, are you ready to go to the principal's office?" Then he proceeds to say, "I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go!" and he walks to the principal's office. Then she says, "What's your name, son?" He responds with "Nu nu nu nu Batman!" Then the principal asks, "How many spankin's, boy?!" He responds with "95 HIT EM HARD!" and after that, he runs out of the principal's office while yelling "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!"

Wanna ride a reindeer for Christmas? *rubs my antlers on you*

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.

Why is it that when women decide to kill an unborn baby, it's a "CHOICE," but when I decide to drive my F-150 into a playground full of kids, it's called "MURDER"!

My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.

What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?

I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.

My kid had an accident.

Some dude: Water you thinking?

Me: You're drowning in my head.

So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?

What will Reddit be without the robot logo?

Reddot.

The joke is my life.

"Mixed vegetables is just special ed class, change my mind."

When I die, I want my body to be cremated.

And fucked! Fucked really hard, papí!! Like a real whore!! Like a real tramp!! Stuff your entire cock in there!!! Uhh!! Uhh!!

It’s disappointing that Los Angeles doesn’t offer better transportation, especially since my neighbor offers free mustache rides every night.

I had a dog with an eating disorder.

He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.