My jokes

I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said, "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years." I walked away shocked but not surprised.

My father died in 9/11. It's such a shame. He was a great pilot. 😔

What do you call my sister?

Suicidal.

I love my grandpa, he killed Hitler.

My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning,

It's great being a sniper.

My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."

My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.

What’s the difference between a pile of babies and a Tesla?

I don’t have a Tesla in my garage.

What's the difference between my ass and the toddlers in my uncle's basement?

My ass doesn't cry when he sticks it in late at night.

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

I asked an orphan where his mom was. He started crying, so I said it again.

And well, that was my last day at the orphanage.

A fully grown bull Great White Shark is 15 feet long and can open its jaws up to 1.2 meters long. It could eat a small child in seconds. Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium...

My relatives used to tease me at weddings, saying I'd be next. They soon stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals.

I was in an audition for the lead role of movie "Aquaman." The Director told me to dive into a pool. Then outta nowhere Penaldo showed up and made a big dive into the pool. The director was impressed and selected Penaldo for the movie.

Shame on you Penaldo for destroying my dream!

My favorite sex position is ‘WOW.’ It's where I flip your mom upside down.

Look at my name and you'll see the joke (read it out loud).

A girl walks in the room. She asks her mom, "Why's my name Flower?" Her mom said, "When you were born, a flower fell on your head." Brick walks in the room. Jasvidnqzkdvsosbd.

My name is Joe Biden, and I forgot this message.

My dad died in 9/11... He was the best pilot I know.