My jokes

I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!

I cleaned my room today. While sweeping under the bed, I heard my mop collide with something. To my surprise, I found Pristiano Penaldo hiding under my bed! My dad said, “Don’t bother sweeping him son, he’s been dusted for years.” I was shocked but not surprised.

You: I want my mama.

Me: Soz, you can't even get one.

My friends were really annoying me at my birthday party, so I decided to pop a balloon to spook them.

Maybe going on a hot air balloon ride wasn't the best idea.

I called my sister a party pooper after she came to my party uninvited.

Grampa said that the only ones who poop at parties are the ones who don't get invited.

So I guess that means I was the party pooper at my own birthday?

My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.

I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."

As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.

I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

My mom said I rely on my devices too much, so I unplugged her life support.

Orphan: Favorite song?

My name:

I had a dream that I was destroying the world, and I blew up my house for fun. I woke up and couldn't find my pillow... nor the house.

My mom is in the FBI. My dad is in the FBI. My sister is in the FBI. My brother is in the FBI. And do you know what I am?

Divorced.

Peanuts are hard to crack, just like my ex-wife's heart.

Cremation:

My last hope for a smoking hot body.

What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?

Breathing exercises.

I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,

"Some asshole has my pen!"

My mom told me to get off the computer or she will slam my head into the keyboard.

I don't think she lskdjfklsdjf.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.

My gf dumped me, so I took her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

Do you want to wear my sombrero?

Or is that nacho style?