My jokes
I wasn't close to my dad when he died.
Which was good, he died to a landmine.
I made this game called Ligma. Say it, "Ligma."
Lick my balls.
Mommy sits on my potty and sings a song about poop.
Mommy kisses my butt.
Couldn't believe how much of a bad mood my work mate was in this morning. So I decided to ask him what was the matter and if everything was OK with his wife, Flo.
He then broke down crying and said when he got home the night before, he caught his wife in bed with the plumber. I tried to console him as best as I could, but he just couldn't get over flow.
I got my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful cunt sat in his wheelchair all day.
To the guy who stole my depression medication,
I hope you're happy.
Can I put my balls in your jaws?
Can I put my baaaaalls in yo jaaaaaaws?
Me: Dad, my phone is broken.
Dad: How?
Me: I clicked the home button, but I'm still at school.
Dad: Stupid.
If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.
(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)
My brother caught Covid last month.
First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"
I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."
My day started out great until I woke up.
I made this one up myself just now.
Stephen Hawking would be a good pilot because the aircraft would be the first to take off and land in autopilot.
My girlfriend calling me: I'm home alone ;)
Me: I know, you always are...
I hate it when couples get into a little fight and they change their Facebook status to "single." I have fights with my parents, but I don't change my Facebook status to "orphan."
My dad owns a countertop store and sometimes he'll barter.
A lot of the time he will take things for granite.
A lot of counter-offers were made.
If I die, delete my search history.
My mates threw nuts at the wall, now we call them walnuts.
Hahaha :)
Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.