My jokes

Dam, sometimes when I look at my friend's head, I say, "Dam, that's a dam big head, Nick." Then he is like, "Dude, that's a literal dam."

What has two legs, two arms, one dead and covered in red?

My ex-wife.

I think democracy is a scam. I love men and I love you. I love men and I love you. I love my dog. He won't sleep inside and I shitted my pants. I peed my pants. I smell bad. I took a shower and my dog was like, "Oh my god." I was like, "Oh." I was like, "Oh my god," and then I was like, "I shitted again" and he was like, "Bark bark," cause he's a dog. Thanks for listening.

Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken, so he shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: "Can I play with your bellybutton? My mom always lets me when we camp." So the teacher says: "Sure." 5 minutes later the teacher says: "Woah, woah, woah that's not my bellybutton!" Little Johnny says: "Woah, woah, woah, that's not my finger."

I had sex with twins. Well, I think it was twins. All my rage victims look alike.

My great grandpa killed Hitler.

My dad died in 9/11. He was the best pilot.

You are like my girlfriend: imaginary and non-existent.

What do you call lesbians having sex?

My cheating dyke ex-wife!

What's the difference between a goat and a sex slave?

I don't have a slave in my sex dungeon.

What's the difference between a Porsche and 50 dead babies?

..... I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.

Tell me morbid jokes in comments so I have some jokes for my friend.

Here’s another joke my friend told me.

What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.

I’m back and have a joke my friend said!

Person 1: My brother's Halloween costume is so ugly.

Person 2: What was it?

Person 1: He went as himself.

What did Trump say to Epstein? "I like my tea like I like my teens: warm, sweet, and freshly made."

My mum told me to take you to the zoo and throw you in the lake, but I couldn't find you.

I got jealous when my phone died.

A noose, a knife, a gun, and a razor blade look at a child who committed suicide after being bullied.

Everyone looked at the noose. The noose would say, "What? It wasn't my fault!"

My mom told me we were flying to a building to see my aunt. I wondered, "Are we about to relive 9/11?"