My Jokes

I thought I had the best K/D ratio in my fighter jet on Battlefield, then I heard about Mohammed Atta.

My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!

I, for one, give President Joe Biden my full support, and anything else he can find in my previously rented gym locker. 🤣

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.

What did one squirrel say to the other squirrel?

"Stop staring at my nuts."

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

Little boy: Momma?

Mom: Yes, my dear.

Little boy: One day I wanna work in McDonald's.

Mom: Why!?

Little boy: Just to see if their ice cream machine is actually broken.

A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."

Once my sister was a sister, now she's a blister.

My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.

I molested a child today, and it felt quite lovely on my penis! 👍

"You have to do this," and my sister said, "Well, I don't care."

And I said, "Well, you care enough to respond back, oh my gosh!"

What am I if my neck is covered in red bumps, my ears are the size of a giant corn cob, my skin is ruby red, my eyes are bloodshot, I have green skin, and fur growing all over my body? Horribly ugly.

My life is like a grenade... I pull off the ring and, BOOM, it explodes!

My family is like an apple tree. My sister is that ugly one that has to rot in.

What does my uncle call a school?

A strip club.

My name is Myria, my right nut.

Yo mama so fat that the Avengers team had to snap five times and say, "Oh my God!"

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells: "Who the fuck fucked my wife?"

Everybody is silent for a second, then the bartender said: "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets!"

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.