My jokes

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

I have an awesome sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

Mom! Mom! My classmates called me an orphan!

Teacher said, "You never do your homework," so I shot her 7 times with a M1 BushDid911 and replied, "It's all in my backpack, can you grade it please?"

I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"

My teacher said, "Words don't hurt!"

So I threw my dictionary at her.

Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.

My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"

Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."

Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.

My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.

My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.

"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.

My grandpa died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

People should stop making jokes about major tragedies. My dad died on 9/11...

He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

I went to self-checkout at a store and I scanned my products, but the scanner wouldn't scan the barcode on my arm.