Back

My jokes

Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."

"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.

"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."

The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"

The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"

Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"

My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.

I had sex with my German girlfriend; it was kinda weird though. She kept yelling her age. I don't know why.

Did you see that Chinese man with no legs?

No, I'm blind.

Stop ruining my jokes.

Isn't that the Chinese man with no legs' fault?

It's not like He Go Ann Hi Weh.

"My wife is so crazy," said Beatem's McSmasher.

"Why?" asked his buddy Don Caretomarch.

"She's sitting on the front verandah packing my shit in boxes!"

"You getting kicked out, bro?"

"Yeah, all I did was break every plate in the house over her head. Some people have no sense of humor."

"Is she one of them woke bitches?"

My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.

Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.

Husband: The second we entered the beach,

Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"

An orphan boy at my school did really badly on a test and started crying. I said, “Don’t worry, your parents won’t say anything.”

Girl: Come over.

Orphan: I can’t.

Girl: My parents aren’t home.

Orphan: Oh, cool, something we have in common.

Mom: That's why your dad left you.

Me: Why?

Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.

Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!

Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!

(This actually did happen in real life.)

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Please...I need my...phone."

*opens twitter*

Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"