Murder jokes
What’s the only victimless crime you can commit? Murder, cause there’s a victim less!
Why does Hitler deserve heaven? Because he killed Hitler.
Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.
There was a murder. The detective suspected the artist first... because he was sketchy.
The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily, I already fled the country.
Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”
“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”
Why did the murderer invest in condoms? To kill the future buyers!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A murderer.
A murderer who--
Is cut off by being murdered.
Murder: Wanna play a game?
Me: Ok (pulls out Xbox controller)
Roses are red, Burnt bodies are black.
You'd look great With a knife in your back.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"
I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder
The reason why Steven H. died was that someone poisoned his chocolate mousse.
Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?
Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.
I killed a Wood elf yesterday. The guard charged me with... mer-der.
A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" After that he joined the Army and learned to say, "Yes sir!" After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, "Goody-goody gumdrops!"
A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows:
Policeman: "Who killed the man?" Foreign man: "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" Policeman: "Did you kill the man?" Foreign man: "Yes sir!" Policeman: "What did you use to kill him?" Foreign man: "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" Policeman: "You're under arrest." Foreign man: "Goody-goody gumdrops!"
To be brutally honest, I think his wife let him die for money, because they could just plug him back in. Surely they have an Android cable about?
I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.
But no one would do it.
Please don't kill [me].
At night I became a mattress murderer.