Mum

Mum Jokes

Vagina

Your mum's vagina is so ravenous, that last night we both ended up on the living room floor, with her on top. She was eating my creamy young face off.

Dog

Dog toys are getting out of control.

My mum's dog has a round bison bone.

Looks like he was chewing on Tracy Latimer's hip or something.

Rape

Little Johnny goes to his mum and asks, "Mummy, what's rape?"

Little Johnny's mum answers, "The way you got here."

Beard

Why are Palestinian boys so eager to grow a beard?

So they can use their mum's ID to get in the club.

Mom

What does your mom say when she is working?

Nothing, it's rude to talk with your mouth full.

Suicide

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

Rose

Mum: Why are roses red?

Child: Stop, Mum, you never make jokes.

Mum: I made you.

Solar Eclipse

There was a solar eclipse at school and we missed it, but it was alright. Your mum went to NASA and recreated it herself.

People

Your mum so fat that when she sat down she said, "Why are there so many people under me?"

Bingo

After having a win at bingo, Ethel splashed out on some venison for tea.

During the meal, her daughter asked her mum what it was, to which she replied with a little smile... "It's what I call your father."

Little Jimmy threw down his knife and fork and jumped up sayin', "Oh My God! Don't eat it!!! It's a fucking Dick!"

Kid

Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?

Mum: See the four birds over there?

Kid: Huh, wait a minute.

Mum: A drunk person would see eight.

Kid: Mum, but there is only two.

Adoption

Son: Dad, I know I'm adopted.

Dad: Well, how do you know?

Son: I found the adoption papers.

Dad: That is for your mum.

If you know, you know.

Adoption

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

Room

My dad came out of my step-sister's room as I came out of my step-mum's room.

Adoption

I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...

Condom

Hondo's dad and mum went up the hill to do it in the water.

Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a Hondo.