Mum jokes

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

"Ur mum is big."

The average Irish person consumes 131.1 litres of beer, almost as much as your mum at night.

Why did my dad leave me and my mum?

I told him it wasn't big enough and then ran off saying, "Daddy, yeeeees!"

Your mum is gay; her name is Rachel.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

UR MUM!

What did mum say when grandpa called?

Boomerang.

Your mum is so fat, I had to take 2 buses and a train to get to her good side.

My mum said not to walk the streets because I won't find home the next day. I was an orphan.

What's so similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the sperm inside her? They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mum is gonna kill me!"

I walk in on my mum and she's in the middle of pulling off my dad's boxers. I said, "Mum, you really spoil those dogs!"

How do fuck a really fat chick?

Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

We were so poor when we were kids, dad used to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.

I rang my boss and said, "I’m really sick. I won’t be coming into work." My boss said, "Davo, you're sick again! Really! Just how sick are you now?" I replied, "Well, I’m in bed with my sister!"

I got caught masturbating in the bath by my mum!

I said, "Mum, I’ll wash it as hard and fast as I want!"

Mom died, so I planted mums and forget-me-nots all over her grave site.

Amelia is hotter than my mum 696969696.

My mum's a carrot.

Your mum was so poor that she went to rob the bank, but she left because she couldn't find the cameras. She left her son, and the security [girl] gave him the camera.

What did the orphan's mum say before she abandoned her child?

OH it's a bitch.