Mother's

Mother's jokes

Nun

    • The very young and pretty nun was walking home from the soup kitchen when a homeless man dragged her into the woods and had his way with her.

    When he was done, he asked her what she would tell the Mother Superior when she got back to the convent. She calmly said that she would tell her the truth.

    She said: "I will tell her that I was on my way home when the most disgusting, repulsive, and abhorrent man dragged me into the woods and had his way with me... twice; that is if you are not too tired."

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    • Halloween

    • I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...

    Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...

    I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...

    When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.

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    • Orphan

    • Why are there only 362 days in an orphan's calendar? They don’t have Father's Day, Mother's Day, or Family Day.

    Dad

    • A young boy walked up to his dad and asked, "Daddy, why are you banned from coming to elementary school?"

    The dad calmly replies, "Because that's how I met your mother."

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    • Cream

    • Little Johnny is watching his mum rubbing cold cream on her face, and he asks her, "Why are you rubbing that stuff on your face, mother?"

    His mother replies, "To make myself beautiful, Johnny."

    A few minutes later, she starts rubbing the cream off with a tissue. Johnny says to her, "What is the matter? Are you giving up?"

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    • Wwii

    • If Germany is the father land, and Russia is the mother land, would WWII just be domestic violence?

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    • Family

    • Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

    Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."

    Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."

    The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

    Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"

    Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

    Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

    Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

    This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

    Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"

    The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

    "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"

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    • Lunch

    • Oh, fuckshit, bitch, damn cocksucker.

    Pussy, asshole, cunt.

    Mother fuckin' dirty whore, shat onto my lunch.

    Pisscunt, damn bitch, suck my dick.

    Jesus Harold Christ!

    Shit bitch, cocksucker, Goddamn motherfucker, pussy, asshole cunt!

    Robber

    • Little Johnny was walking on the street alone one day and saw a robber. Little Johnny says to him "Give the mother fucking broken ass piece of shit back!"

    To which the robber says "FUCK YOU! I don't wanna."

    Little Johnny calls the police and says "A robber is stealing a broken ass piece of shit purse."

    The police said "How old are you?"

    Little Johnny then hangs up the phone.

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    • Orphan

    • Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?

    Because they don’t have a “mother’s” or “father’s” day!

    Miracle

    • Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

    She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

    "Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

    Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."

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    • Johnny

    • Little Johnny went to school and right before class started, he pulled down his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." After that, his teacher told him to put on his pants and go to the office. The principal asked him what he did, so he pulled down his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." Then the principal called his mom. The mom got there and took little Johnny home.

    They got in the car, and his mother asked, "Johnny, what did you do this time?" So Johnny pulled his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." Once they got home, his dad was off work and heard that Johnny was coming home early from school. Once again he asked Johnny what he did. Johnny pulled down his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." After that, his dad was surprised, so his dad pulled down his pants and said, "Big whale, big whale."

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