Mortality jokes
Why is rape worse than death?
Because dead people get way more attention.
What starts with M and ends with carriage?
This joke never gets old, but then again neither does the baby.
"Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death"?
Maybe in infidel America but.... it is #1 in the Glorious Iran.
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Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.
Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”
“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”
Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.
We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.
Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!
Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.
What does a bicycle and Jade Goody have in common?
They can't reach 30.
You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.
What's worse than a dead baby?
A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? The one on the bottom is alive. And what's worst than that is, the baby has to eat its way out.
You wanna know who didn't kick the bucket? Stephen Hawking didn't; nor did he bite the dust.
What does milk and a kid with cancer have in common?
An expiration date.
I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.
What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?
Your job still sucks.
Why did Joey drop his ice cream?
He was hit by a truck. (Don't worry, the truck was fine.)
God: “Steven, join us.”
Sees the staircase to Heaven.
Steven: “Ahh, fu-”
There is a thin line between death and life!
You won't live to see it.....
The Cardiogram will!!
What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.
What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.
It never gets old.